Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything.....

As I write, it is snowing very heavily and has been since last night, we have had the mildest winter that I can remember, and just when I thought we were going to get off the hook completely, it has been snowing going on 48 hours.  Jason is from Texas originally, and has not seen anything like this, and not really sure he likes it too much. Lol.... As my friend Petra said a few yeas ago on a cold blistery day when the snow was coming down and the sun was shining, she said, isn't it so pretty outside? Ya Pet.... its freak'n beautiful.... I was about to complain, and she showed me in that moment after much teasing, that you can find a positive in anything and beauty in all things if you look for it.

So it is damn pretty out there today and I am grateful that I am inside in front of the fireplace watching others shovel their driveways, and grateful that living in a condo, my fees include keeping the diveway and sidewalk free of snow!  Yay! Much nicer admiring the beauty from inside :)  My kids will disagree, and the boys will be excited to get on their skidoos and ride, as they have been waiting for snow all winter. Happy for them, and one of the best ways to enjoy winter, partake in winter/snow activities that are fun...The older I get the more I have to push my self...kids are great they don't give it a second thought, they remind us how to have fun, in any temperature!

Why is it so hard to just relax and do nothing...does anyone else feel guilty for doing this? We need to do this we need to find some down time in our day, to tell ourselves, its ok, and in fact it is necessary in order that we make sure to keep the balance necessary for good health mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am so used to running in so many directions to stay still is difficult for me at times, it takes a certain discipline and it takes re programming your mind to not feel guilty at times thinking you should be getting more accomplished.

Enjoy Your Sunday...Have a lazy day, because you deserve it!!

Bruno Mars- The Lazy Song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDzO8gh5Cgo

Quotes of the Day:

My cousin Darlene introduced me to this author here are a couple of her quotes; “Life isn't about how you survived the storm ... it's about how you danced in the rain. Dance with me.” 

― Regina Brett

“Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.” ― Regina Brett

My Dad... My Rock

My dad, when I think of my Dad I think strength, courage, positivity, glass half full, anything is possible, think outside of the box, generous, sensitive, very headstrong, leader, loving, caring, with a geat big heart.

I have always admired my Mom and Dad's relationship and their wonderful story. They had me when they were 18 in 1966. Not in the plans to have a child so young, but they were committed to each other and committeed to being parents. They were married in April 1966 and had me in July 1966. They figured out what they needed to do and headed to Uranium City, Saskatchewan where Gary took a job working in a Uranium mine.

They tell me of the doctor who delivered me who had lost his family and been a bit of a drinker and was quite intoxicated the morning I was born, he didn't drop me on my head, for that we are grateful! Mom stayed in the hospital, it was back in the day where you were actually admitted for 5 days.  Dad bought mom a camera as a gift, and played in a baseball tournament that weekend, he asked my mom if he could borrow her new camera for the tournament lol...

They stayed in Uranium City for almost a year, and then headed to Regina where Gary began his career for what is now a competitor to McKillican.  He started in the warehouse learning all the products and worked his way up and through every role in Distribution.  The best way to do it as he really had an appreciation and understanding of what was required in those roles, which served him well in management , leadership, and starting his own business down the road. My dad was always very motivated, and an excellent provider for his family.  He was promoted and transferred several times in a short period.  We moved from Regina to Saskatoon, where my brother Chris was born.  On to Sherwood Park, and Vancouver where Gary worked for Corporate Office. As a kid I hated moving, making new friends, it always seemed overwelming to me to start all over again from ground zero...As a result in reflection, it taught me to be resilient to change, and to be a strong relationship builder. It was at this time Gary had been thinking of venturing out onto his own, and decided that Edmonton would be the place to start this new chapter.  In August 1978 McKillican Hardwoods Limited was Born.  

Mom and my Dad worked together, and my Dad talks about ordering a rail car of lumber, unloading it himself, going out and selling it and delivering it that week month after month ...that's what it takes, and he definitely had what it took to be successful.

34 years later McKillican has grown in Western Canada and the US with 24 locations.  I have been fortunate to work with the company since I graduated high school.  It has taught me many things working in the family business. I learned I loved business and interacting with people and developing relationships.  I learned working with your Dad can have some challenges, and we both learned separating the Father/Daughter relationship from the work relationship can be a challenge.  I remember when I was 18 and just starting Gary as I call him at work was walking back to his office and I was working on the Sales Desk, he had a call that I was tying to transfer, I said "Dad" there is a call for you, he said its "Gary"at work...as it should be, but took some getting used to! 

My dad always wanted to ensure that just because I was his daughter that I would work as hard or harder than anyone and no special treatment was given....The first vehicle I drove as a chip hanger, going into the shops and updating all of the Wilsonart laminate boards, calling on the architects and the designers, was a green 1978 Jeep Waganeer, it was a beaut, leaked antifreeze and oil and I would pray I would make it to all of my calls without needing a tow truck to get me back to the office! On all but one occasion I made it back without a tow truck!

I have learned so many things from my dad about business and about life.  He has been one of my mentors, and I am so very proud of his accomplishments.  He has taught me resilience. That you can get knocked down, but you get back up, you don't complain about it, you can choose your attitude, and you can overcome anything you put your mind to.  He doesn't know the word NO and it is not possible, and does not probably realize how much I have lived by that mantra, through his examples.

Dad I love you dearly, and we have expereinced so much together.  I am so grateful to have learned so many great lessons in business, and so many great lessons in life from you.  You have taught me that no matter how successful one becomes, that you stay true to you and remember where you have come from. I always admired that in you, that you can relate as well to someone who is a driver or works in the warehouse, as you can to VP's and owners of companies and one position is not any more valuable than the other.

Your perspective on life is wonderful, and has helped me immensely, you really never have sweated the small stuff, always looking at the bigger picture, and I work towards this daily.  You have a huge heart, and your generosity over the years to me and the kids is overwhelming, as there is nothing you would not do for us.  Thank you.  You have always been my Rock someone I look to for strength and direction, and am so grateful to have you in my life.

Much Love...

Your daughter xoxoxoxo

A song from me to you Dad it sums up how I see you....

Like A Rock...Bob Seger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keIvA2wSPZc

Its Your Life its Now or Never...

I have always been a huge Bon Jovi fan probably for a couple of reasons.  He has wrote music over the last 3 decades that has always spoke to me, and well ladies am sure I don't need to spell out the other reason! At the end of this blog I have one of his songs that has been an anthem song for me as a teenager, and it really motivates me still today as I conquer cancer.

None of us know what is around the next corner. You can live like you will have 101 years on this planet, like my wonderful Grandma Pugh who passed away 7 years ago at 101. We don't know, the only thing that is for certain is this moment, this day, and how we choose to live in this moment, this day.  You can wake up saying I am going to have a great day, and I choose a positive attitude to get through this day, and I will work hard to find the joy in every day. This is a conscience decision, my dad is fabulous at doing this day in and day out. He is one of the very few people I have ever known who does not complain about much.  He is full of optimism and positive thinking and has a brilliant perspective on life that I so admire, and have so learned from  over the years.

My dad has been a great teacher, showing me it isn't what happens to you in life that you should get hung up on, it is how well you DEAL with what happens to you.  If you don't have great coping skills, the more time you spend in learning tools that help you deal with stress the better prepared you are in coping with what comes your way. Life's experiences teach you even faster. I was talking to my girlfiend Lisa last week, and we were talking about why some people are dealt so much, as she has dealt with many losses in her life.  The old saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...we were laughing ok GOD we feel we can't get any stronger, maybe not stronger, but always wiser..always a lesson and reason we go through what we do, we just have to figure it out, deal with it learn the lesson, and move forward!

I had my third round of chemo yesterday its now become a two day process at the Cross, and 46 hours at home that follows.  I have a port that has been surgically implanted in my chest in November, that feeds me the chemo, but have a blood clot on it so we have added a procedure on Tuesdays that follows my bloodwork.

The blood work lets us know that I don't have any infections, and that my platelets are high enough over 100...to indicate that it is ok to proceed with chemo the next day.  This week my platelets were 240! Yay! They have been at the 100 mark so this is a good week!  I then go to the daycare to get a 1 inch needle poked in my port, which is what feeds me the chemo. The nurses can't see it, and it is a relatively new procedure for them as there were only 55 ports implanted in 2011. So in saying that it usually takes them two tries to get it positioned poperly.  The nurses then check for blood return to ensure the port and the line is open to receive the medication. We have not had blood return the last few times, due to the blood clot sitting on the line, so they put in a drug TPA that is a clot buster just for my port line. The nurses then try again for blood return, which we have been successful the last two times after it flows through you for an hour, and wulla I am good to go for chemo the next day!

Third round of new chemo drugs doing ok...the side effects really need to be managed, which is a new descipline for someone like me, who likes to go with the flow but is reminded at every turn that if you do not follow a procedure and avoid anything that is cold to the touch the everything will go numb and throb, and you lose feeling in fingers, toes, throat, nose. Not too much fun a little crippling at times but I will work through it.

After I started this blog this morning, Jason and I went to work out, I have a little gym in the basement of my condo.It is about 5 degrees cooler downstairs, and within a short time my fingers and toes were tingling and numb, and 2 minutes into the elliptical, my nose and throat started to constrict and I had to go upstairs, trying to get my breathing back to normal.  Its like an attack...Jason ran up feeling helpless grabbing me a scarf and turning the fireplace on trying to warm things up...we both got emotional as it is scary, even though a big part  of it is getting my mind in control over what is happening, it still freaks you out, and frustrates you...I can't even cry the first 6 days of chemo, as something in my tear ducts hurts when tears flow..lol so I suck them back in and get contol of the situation..and we carry on!

I finished working out upstairs, and Jason finished working out in the basement.  It is not what happens to you! Its how you deal with it...right!! Trust me I have to remind myself of this often. We have to readjust and push through even as tough as it is at times.  Life can be a struggle for sure...but there are so many oppotunities in a day to have great moments, to connect deeply with those we love. Focus on gratitude and blessings, that is what is helping me through my journey.

The kids were in last night, our relationship keeps getting better and better, I am soooooo grateful.  They have had many challenges, and we are working through them together. Jason has been cooking and juicing veggie/fruit drinks..to keep me on the healthy track...doing laundry, taking me to my appointments.  I have much to be thankful for. All of you who send messages in and support and read my blog...Thank you!! Your messages and encouragement give me such strength. My family is amazing and my girlfiends are wonderful...

Life is good!!

Listen to this song by Bon Jovi...

It's your Life...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SKFwtgUJHs

Have a great day! :)

Grateful for this Day!

I have had a good week, I am feeling better. My breathing has improved considerably and I am so thankful.  I am finished round two of this new chemo, and it is manageable.  The side affects include a lot of numbing to anything you touch that is cold or drink that is cold. You know it right away your throat constricts, your hands hurt and fingers go numb, it lasted for about 5 days, the full affect, and by day 6 and 7 it is there but it is not  as intense.

I went into the office for the first time in almost five months, not to work but to reconnect with all of the wonderful people I have worked with.  I was filled up with all the big hugs I received. They have all been so supportive and praying for me, they are a great group of individuals!!

A big shout out to McKillican Corporate!!!

The kids came in last night we all went out for dinner at Montannas, a steak restaurant with my brother Chris. We had a good time.  My bro has been my chauffeur this week, and very patient taking me to place to place, I have a busy schedule.  I started vitamin C injections which is supposed to be great for your immunity and fighting cancer, and mistletoe injections I give to myself, again supposed to give you more energy and break down the cancer cells...all good stuff!

The kids filled me up last night and when we got back they gave me two stuffed animals for Valentines Day that said I love you!!!!! So sweet they are next to my bed as I write.

Jay and I are going shopping for a tux for his grad  in June, I am so excited.  Likely more than he is, but it will be great, I love any and all the time we get to spend together.

5 Things I am grateful for Today:

• All of the amazing support and Prayers that I receive from family and friends my amazing girlfriends, and work associates. Thank you you guys, you are simply the best support group, and you have given me so much strength!

• For this illness, it has allowed me to really look deeply within some areas of my life that were out of balance, I have learned so much, and have worked on me and reflected a ton, and have new perspective...I have more work to do to get to the peace I crave, but I am so much closer!

• My children, our relationship has improved, our connection has deepened,  we have come a long way.  I am so proud of all of them, they have had a tough road at times, and they are facing this battle head on with me with dignity and grace, and positivity and they are learning  perspective and am teaching them every opportunity I can the power of a positive attitude!  We are working hard to enjoy the moments we spend together, finding the joy in all the time we do get to spend with one another.

• My Mom and Dad, I have to remember that this experience is not only happening to me it is happening to all of those closest to me, and their journey is a different one and has many moments of challenge, pain, and fear.  My parents are so strong and they have taught me many things over my lifetime, and many of the values and experiences they have taught and shared with me have helped shape who I am today.  I cant imagine what it is like to watch your child go through and deal with a serious illness. I can only put myself in their shoes and think of what it would be like if it was my children, and I would want to take all their struggles away, and go through it instead of them.  This illness has brought us closer together, we appreciate each other more, make the time, spend the time, and enjoy the time we spend with each other.

• My partner, he has gone thorough so many changes, and sacrifices to allow himself to be closer to me. He has chosen to spend as much time as he can with me, to be my partner and  to help me and love me through this difficult and joyful time. When it could be easier I am sure, especially in a new relationship, to turn away and move on in a different direction. I am so grateful for his love his committment and his support and kindness, and so very thankful to experience this journey with him.

Please watch this inspirational video by one of my Gurus, Robin Sharma.and some of his great quotes..I like him even more today as we share the same hairstyle!

A big take away: You have to be willing to take some chances in order to get all you want out of this life, out of your life. Run towards your fears.You want to be a person of action!! Be exceptional I know you can be!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x1ddBJ3kiY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFBKlo5WL40

To My Special Valentine

You've given me a reason
For smiling once again,
You've filled my life with peaceful dreams
and you've become my closest friend.

You've shared your heartfelt secrets
And your trust you've given me,
You showed me how to feel and love again
To laugh, and love, and see.


Thank you for taking a chance, 
and your ongoing belief in me
Your amazing kind heart and spirit
And for really seeing ME


If life should end tomorrow
And from this world I should part,
I shall be forever grateful sweet boy
For you have touched my heart




All my Love...Stacy XOXOXOXOXO


The first song you shared with me...I will always cherish my soul brother...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d5A6KPj5p4

A song from me to you J on this special day...Happy Valentines Day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA4ppvp2IzY

                                       Jason and his Dad!

Courage, Heart & Determination!

On February 3, a dear friend of mine, her son Tyson 14, shaved his hair off for an event that raises money for cancer.  He did it in my honor, and raised over $2000, for the cause! Over 4 million dollars was raised in Edmonton, Alberta this year, and this particular fundaiser donates the money to kids with cancer. So wonderful!   I am so very proud of him, I have known Tyson since he was born, and when he puts his mind to something he follows it through and accomplishes what he sets out to do. An admirable quality that will see him accomplish great things in his lifetime.

Tyson's goal was $1000.00 and he doubled it! You Rock Tyson!  I am so touched by your initiative, your courage, your big heart and your determination.  You know I love you bud, and what you did touches me deeply Tyson.  My kids have a great friend in you and Jesse, and you are like family to me.

Your support makes me and the kids stronger, and all of us fight harder!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

This is his story Tyson submitted to the event...


Hi, My Name is Tyson I am 14 years old and in Grade 9. I decided to dye my hair pink and have it shaved off, because my Mom's Best friend Stacy just found out she has cancer. so im doing this for her and her children. Stacy's daughter Rayanne is one of my Best friend's. Her son Justin is my brother's Best friend. Joey and Tanner, Stacy's twin boys are like little brothers to me. I have known Stacy my whole life and am very sad for her. I want Stacy and her family to know I support them 100%. My goal is to raise $1,000.00 in her honor. Thank you to everyone for supporting me. As of tonight January 30, 2012 I have raised over $1,500.00. I appreciate any and all donations. Thank you again, Tyson. THANK YOU EVERYONE I AM BALD AND I LOVE IT I THINK I MIGHT STAY BALD AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR EVERYONE HELPING ME OUT I REALLY MEANS ALLOT TO ME AND STACY THANK U AND STACY I DID THIS FOR YOU :)

                                               RaYr

My Twin Towers of Power!

This Blog is dedicated to Joey and Tanner, my beautiful twin boys. Joseph Gary, he is a wonderful combination of wit, of heart, of fun, he is full of mischief!  He talks non stop, and he is clever beyond his years.  He is a constant joker, and his constant chatting, and joking, can occasionally get him into trouble!

Tanner Ryan is very clever, he is the entrepreneur in the mix, and always has an idea forming. Tanner is a good worker, so charming,  so quick he is always thinking about his next move. Always a step a head.  His mind does not rest, which is tough on him many times, as I know how nice it would be for him to have more peace. Tanner is very funny and knows how to tell a great story!

Together Joey and Tanner are a force of Nature, separately they are a force of nature! Together, they are unstoppable.  They are so close and watching their relationship evolve over the past 10 years has been a real gift.

I remember when we decided to expand our family from two children to what we thought would be 3 children, and getting the news that we were having twins.  I thought we had won the kid lottery!  I had a miscarriage after Rayanne, and when the doctor asked if I wanted to see the ultasound, I was nervous she was going to say something was wrong again.  Then she said this is one of your babies, and here is the other...I was in shock, pleasant shock, I said there are two babies?  She said yes you are having twins!  It was pretty incredible, and exceptional. We were blessed as we had been with our first two children, only since Jay and Ray had come along, I had some health issues and had my right ovary and right Fallopian tube removed and a cyst the size of an orange also taken out, the previous year, because of endometriosis, a condition I have had reoccuring troubles with since I was 18.  So to have twins or even another baby was so very special, and fortunate, I was very grateful, and fair to say somewhat naive to what I was in store for....yikes did life get busy!!!

Joey and Tanner are fighters, born 9 weeks early, Joey was 2 pounds 8 oz.  He was tiny but mighty and when I held him for the first time he was so light, and so perfect, I remember being so grateful and crying, my tears were falling over his precious tiny head. Tanner was 3 pounds 3 ounces and their feet were as big as their Dad's thumb! Joey was delivered by an intern who hadn't delivered a baby before, because they arrived so quickly and my doctor was not there yet.  It's ok if you have a cashier who is in training, not so settling to have a doctor in training delivering your baby! lol I don't know just a little more reassuring to have someone who has gone through the process a few times!  It all turned out alright, and my doctor arrived in time for my last born T-man, who was backwards and no time for a cesarian, not to mention I didnt have any drugs in me, and believe me I had asked for them several times...but the nurses thought I was hours away from delivering so they held off giving me anything!

Tanner came out feet first, a little blue, but so darn beautiful. Joey and Tanner spent 3 weeks in intensive care, and another 3 weeks in intermediate care, and you would never know they were born premature, as they have not missed a beat since they entered this world. We did spend a few of the early years in and out of hospitals, dealing with asthma and RSV and pneumonia, but nothing has slowed these boys down, the boys endless energy continues to surprise, delight and exhaust all of us!

Joey can be very stubborn, as a toddler if he had his mind set on something, he would not give in, and we had a few battles that would see him in time outs or in the car without his shoes and socks as he would refuse to keep them on.  Tanner was more laid back as a toddler but more stubborn the older he got! 

The entrepreneur came out in Tanner about 4 years ago, when going to his big brother Jay's hockey game he said, he wanted to make some money.  He said he wanted to set up in front of the arena doors and do some busking.  Play his guitar, and people could give him money.  I said what are you going to sing, you only know one song, and just the chorus that might get a little old after a short time.  It was the song by  Queen...We Will Rock You! Lol...We thought of some other ideas and he decided that setting up a lemonade stand could be profitable. Rayanne volunteered to make cupcakes as well. Joey was his partner, he made a sign that said Tanner and Joey's lemonade stand, and then Joey made him mad and he dumped him as a partner and crossed his name off of the sign after 10 minutes of working together.  He added a new partner, a friend Daniel and they made 20 dollars in 30 minutes.  He split the profit with his newfound partner, and learned a lesson in courage making money and choosing the right partner to do business with! 

Joey and Tanner have been driving skidoos, motorbikes and farm equipment since they could walk, they are fearless, which can make you nervous at times! The boys love to spend time with their Dad doing these activities and are their Dad's #1  farm hands as they love to stay busy helping him on his farm.  They play hockey on the same team, and are good little hockey players as well!

Joey your spirit delights me.  You have a heart of gold. You are so very special sweet Joey.  When I was losing my hair, I would get emotional at times, one time he put his hands on either side of my face and said you will always be beautiful Mom, and now when I wear my wig he says he prefers me without hair lol...You make me laugh Joe, I love your sense of humour and your mischievious nature, as I can see you will try to see the fun and joy in life, and this is so important!

Tanner you are amazing, so clever and funny, you fill my heart with joy, you have a beautiful spirit, and I so enjoy you. You are a hard worker and at times you have your wall up and show me the tough guy, but I always see though it to your loving spirit, I cherish you sweet boy.

Joey and Tanner you have brought so much entertainment, joy and love to the family.  You are delightful, and I adore both of  you so, and love you more than words can ever say....There is nothing you can not accomplish in your lifetime.  You both have unique personalities, you are so clever, and have the ability to charm most anyone that you meet! Although you can be wild, and headstrong, and stubborn at times, all of these traits will serve you very well as you figure it all out, and you will.  Life is a challenge at times as you have discovered at a young age, and you both came into this world having to fight, and you showed us what you are made of, and you are both warriors, and capable of  much greatness. I look forward to being part of your journey.

All of my love....Mom XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO

                                                                           Tan Man

                                                                           Joey

Dance Like Noone is Watching

I love to dance, it makes you feel so good to find a song that really moves you and you can just let yourself go. It is so freeing you can just let all your worries slip away and let yourself get lost in the music....I crave it these days. In the fight against cancer, you can can get so caught up in finding the right treatments, wondering if you are doing the right things, questioning the doctors, questioning everything. There is such a sense of urgency as you are learning and you are trying to make sense of it all, you are scared, and feel like you are in  the greatest race against time.

Sometimes you feel like you are outside of yourself looking in, because it is so surreal. Everyone becomes so worried about you, understandable,  questions what you should or should not be doing, you feel like you start to lose your voice, your identity.  I really havn't changed too much except for losing my hair I look the same, havn't lost any weight....I was excited about that part...and it hasn't happened!  I feel pretty healthy especially of late...my breathing issues are improving, I have not had to drag my O2 tank out, and I have put my bingo dobber away hopefully for good lol.  On paper my medical condition could scare the crap out of anyone and sometimes I lay awake playing the what if game...and then  I get very emotional thinking of my kids and everything I want to teach them, and share with them and everything I want to see them do and every major event coming up in their life, how I do not want them or I to miss out on anything.  You can't stay in this place long, but of course sometimes you go there.  You need to pull yourself up and remind yourself of all of your many blessings and continue to find the joy, find the positives, and to remind yourself that today is a gift, do not waste it, and do not forget to dance!

Here is a song that makes me want to dance...check it out....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5K7nNuB4gM&feature=fvst

Positive Affirmations

Let me start today's blog by saying I am not always a positive Ray of Sunshine. I know you are a little in shock at this confession, and may need a moment to process, I understand.... There are many of my close loved ones that endure less than positive moments from me, and put up, or tolerate another side of Stacy.  It's only there maybe 10 percent of the time, but it does exist...I consider myself  a work in progress, always trying to learn to be a better person, do the right things say the right things,  voice my opinion in a gentler way :)

I have always been so independent, and to rely on anyone to do anything for me has been a real challenge.  Don't get me wrong I have a side to me that I am sure enjoys getting catered too, but I guess what I am saying is I like to be in control of when I can be independent and when I need to be catered to lol.... it is hard to ask and hard to accept help...part of its  pride, and a learned behavior, most of it is is I would just like to do it myself!  

I think I always felt it was a sign of weakness if you had to ask for help.  It is not of course, and I do not feel that way if others ask for my help, but it is very difficult to ask, and I am sure many others can relate.  And to add to that I don't ever think I need help or assistance, and that I can do everything on my own!! And I send the message loud and clear.  I guess its learning how to strike that balance, knowing people are available if needed,  and to not be resistant to asking or receiving.  I am learning, and I appeciate the lesson.

It is interesting as I reflect back, on how many different things I had to juggle last year.  My plate was overfilled with things I needed to accomplish. Work was so busy, I traveled every couple of weeks for a year. I loved my role and so wanted to keep up, it was a challenge at times, the priorities got taken care of, I went through a divorce.   It was nutty how busy I was.  Usually I thrive in an environment that is full on crazy busy, but there is a limit to how much you can have going on, and it did catch up to me.

I was going through the motions,  and did many things well. I tried to focus just on the priority of every aspect of my life. I had way to many priorities to keep up with!  I pride myself on being a great multi-tasker, but there are limits to our capabilities, I don't have a cape with an S on it... that provides me extra power, you can only take on and handle so many things, and eventually it catches up to you and things will start to fall through the cracks.  An imbalance will eventually catch up to you and presents itself in one way or another in your life.  You either see it which I did, or you rationalize it away, which I also did,  until  it resurfaces and a bigger brick hits you on the head and you are forced to realign or change a few things to bring you back on the right path. That's what happened to me. My Brick had a "BIG C " on it for change is necessary!

I am stubborn, I guess I didn't realize the depth of my stubbornness until this journey.  I would have described myself as easy going, roll with the flow, pretty laid back, positive which I am all of these things, but I didn't really use stubborn to describe myself.  Of course many others I have come to discover, do use this word to describe me lol.

I do not need to be in control of everything, no desire at all actually, very capable to delegate when I feel it is not something I need to look after. Not afraid to say NO! I don't have the need to control other's agenda's I am quite flexible and accomodating.  I only need to be in control of my destiny, create and focus on my balance, make my own decisions, of course recognizing that I need to work hard to balance that with the needs of my partner, my children, my family and my closest friends. My priority in everything I have taken on in life with family, business or other is developing great relationships. 

Will leave you with this affirmation that came to me through a few different friends.  Thank you to the Bourke girls for their wisdom and hearts, and Tammy as well, who have recommended the work of Louise Hay, which I would encourage any of you to read or listen or watch her CD'S, DVD's, she is very inspirational, and has life changing lessons that everyone can benefit from.

Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite-well of Love- I now allow this love to flow to the surface-It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. 

The more love I use and give the more I have to give -the supply is endless.  The use of love makes me feel good, it is an expression of my inner joy.  I love myself, therefore I take loving care of my body.  I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages.  I love myself, therefore I provide myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs, and is a pleasure-to be in-  I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it.  I love myself therefore I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people, that I love and that love me, and earning a good income- I love myself therefore I behave and think in a loving way to all people-for I know that which I give out returns to me multiplied.  

I only attract loving people in my world for they are-a mirror of what I am. I love myself therefore, I forgive and totally release the past and all the past experiences and I am free.  I love myself therefore I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now forever more and so it is.....

My first Born...How I adore my Boy!

Jay  is 17, my first born. He is so special in many ways and I love him to pieces. This blog is dedicated to you Sweet Jay!

Jay is calm and cool.... and under pressure, is steady as a rock.  It is a great quality that has served him well, and will always serve him well in life.  I remember when he was about 10, my girlfriend who was going through alot of stress at the time phoned for me.  Her son had hockey, she locked her keys in the car, it was a big game, she was beside herself with what to do.  I was outside feeding our dogs at the time so Jay took the call.

He's like do you have an extra set of keys for your car?  No! I am not sure what to do!! Came a panicked reply.  Have your Mom call me.  He said why don't we come and pick Cody up and take him to hockey, and you can meet us there, maybe you can get someone to come and get your keys out.  My friend is like...ok that sounds good...thanks Jay.  Lol we laugh to this day how Jay calmly figured out a solution to my stressed out friend's problem!

He is a gentle soul  my Jay, with a beautiful sense of humor, and I could listen to him tell stories all day.  He is very funny!  Also very laid back, he fell asleep many a time in his high chair, before and sometimes and after his meals...he appears to have finally grown out of  :)  Jay tends to lack a sense of urgency lol. Being a teenager adds to that  I know, but he has been pretty laid back all his life, and details are not overly important to him.  I remember when he was about 8 I had asked him to go and get a plate out of the cupboard, and he said, where are they?  I'm like Jay, really, I have been putting them away in the same place for 8 years of your life, have you not noticed where we keep them...we all had a good laugh over that one!

This past summer, Jay and Rayanne went to London, England with their Nana and Papa, and I met them there.  One of my dear friends got married in Wales, and Mom and Dad and I were invited, and my parents wanted an opportunity to share travel and culture with their two oldest grandchildren.

On one particular day in London, Nana and Papa and Rayanne went to Starbucks, and told Jay what they were doing, and asked if he wanted to come...he decided to sleep in it was 11 at the time...those teenagers love their sleep! They said ok Jay, your missing out, but we will come to your room later when we get back.

Nana, Papa and Ray took off, in that time Jay changed his mind got up and decided to go look for them.  Starbucks how hard can that be to find he thought. Not realizing their is a Starbucks as in most major cities on every block  That didn't phaze Jay.  He headed out, and  an hour later Nana and Papa and Ray returned, Jay was of course no where to be found, and they started to worry, as we are talking London England...a population close to 8 million...Yikes Jay didn;t know where the dishes were, this wasn't looking good!  In London the Police officers are called Bobbies, and there were a couple on foot by the hotel they were staying at.  Mom and Dad started to give a description of their Grandson, and Rayanne, who does pay great attention to detail, started crying worried and anxious that her Brother would not find his way back...another 30 minutes passed, and they see Jay walking towards them slowly, Rayanne frantically runs up to him and hugs him, such relief in seeing him...Jay not a care in the world is like...that's a nice greeting Ray but a little unncessary, I love you too. I am just getting back from Starbucks, didn't know there were so many, what are you guys up to?  Pretty sure they were ready to choke my precious Jay.....not a great sense of urgency my boy.

Jay has a big heart, and is kind and loving and so easy to be around.  He has had the same group of buddies since he was in kindergarten, and they all graduate this year, it brings tears to my eyes, as I can't believe he is graduating already...I have many life skills yet to teach you son!   Jay is very responsible, he is working after school, earning his own money.  As laid back as he is, he has a good work ethic!  He is a very good hockey player and I have so enjoyed watching him over the years.  He played the piano, which I got him into as I play, and thought he might enjoy, he stuck with it for a few years, and had a natural talent for it...he quit years ago, but has played occassionaly, and would so love to see him take it up again at some point as he is a natural....Jay has a technical mind as well and is our go to for all technical hook ups!

Jay is an avid snowmobiler, and has always enjoyed riding his motorbikes, and in past two years has started racing and does very well competing.  His dad has passed on the love of these sports and something that all the boys and their dad share in common and enjoy doing together!

Jay you, and your spirit.  There are many a day where you have calmed me and your gentle loving ways have brought me such great comfort.  You are so very special and I love you with all my heart.

As you set off to complete your last semester, know that your future is bright, there is nothing you can't accomplish in your lifetime.  You are so intelligent, and have always had a strong ability to problem solve and figure things out.  Your patience and ability to stay calm will serve you so well in life, and your kind heart will endear you to all those you surround yourself with.  Your laid back approach will allow you to focus on balance and what is important in life.Not sweating the small stuff, as you do so well, and we tease you, but it has been and will continue to be a  blessing for you. Many of us spend a lifetime trying to not sweat the small stuff and you have always had a great ability to not worry about those things in life that are not important.  Focus on the positive, and continue to let that beautiful light you have within shine! I am so very proud of you and look forward to watching you experience life to the fullest.

All my love....MOM XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOO