A Life Truly Lived is a Life not Forgotten...

an original poem by Stacy McKillican

Swollen ankle, leg pain to start

GP treated as phlebitis caused by travel that was the easy part

The pain moved around and into the other leg

Sent me for tests, this process was beginning to drag

I was not prepared as to what they would find, blood clots yes, and so much more

How is this possible I am young, healthy, invincible, the news shook me to the core

Positive, well balanced, had everything I thought possible thrown at me last year

Cancer in the colon metastasized to liver and lungs; the news overwhelmed me, too much to hear

This would be the ultimate test for me, my most challenging fight

To learn yes cancer sucks, but yet it is a gift, a chance to make all things that matter right

I would learn who truly cares, the gift of life, to take nothing for granted

Not to sweat the small stuff, to appreciate deeply all of those I love and have enchanted

Now seven months into this journey, who knows like you, what will be our fate?

I have been given a chance to reflect and understand, to make some sense of it all and prepare for heavens gate

Until that moment please grant me the courage, strength and patience to live life in the moment and to really let go

The lessons to learn, the lessons to teach, forgive all, release the guilt, love deeply and to let go and when to know

That I have done my best, lived my life without regrets, done what I needed to do

Had many amazing experiences and many more to come, so many beautiful relationships old and new

Life is good it's not what happens to you its how you Deal with what comes your way and sometimes your dealt a hand that is not so fair

Blessed I still am and proud of how far I have come, with the best support group overwhelms me so much your love and care

So live in the moment I challenge us all

See the beauty in the simplicity of life, laugh often and get back up and fight the good fight when we stumble and fall

Love your self for who you are, you are special, focus on priorities and hug your loved ones often

Let go of the stress, anger and any bitterness, and feel your heart begin to soften...

For a life truly lived is not forgotten...

Dig Deeper

Heading to chemo in 30 min. Did my exercise,drank 8 ounces of veggie juice...that Jason made up, I dont know how I got so lucky in finding this man, he does all the laundry, all the cooking, and runs me to every appointment, tells me that I am beautiful, and makes me so very happy.

I know this journey is very challenging on all of those closest to me. Jason has made a commitment to take care of me and to be my side every step of the way through the sleepless nights, through the many tears, and through my many challenges he has taken a leap of faith and shown me true love, and what a real partnership looks like.

Jason is a man among men, his kindness overwhelms me, I will forever be grateful for the depth of love and care and support he gives to me.

This week I have experienced more fatigue, however, I have been told that you need to keep moving through chemo even if you are tired and feel like crap!   The way chemo works is if you lie around for more than an hour,  you actually start to feel worse. So mentally you have to dig deep. I had a very emotional day yesterday, every sappy love song, every song that tells you to live your life because you don't know what tomorrow will bring hit me hard.

Rayanne bless her sweet soul gave me a hug and held me tightly as I cried on her shoulder last night, she said its ok Mom everything will be ok. Jason was there with hugs as some days the emotion just gets the best of you. Chemo weeks are especially tough because you meet with a nurse who asks how your last chemo was, reinforces how you to need to eliminate all stress and live selfishly for you...easier said than done some days as the daily challenges still exist, they do not go away when you have cancer...you need to find a way to eliminate the drama, to teach the lessons, to learn the lessons, to let go, to stay positive, its a daily struggle and an ongoing commitment to choose a positive attitude and not get dragged down, to not feel sorry for yourself.  Some days I do a good job at this and other times you just need to know its ok to fall down and feel the pain, feel the sadness, to be angry. With cancer you feel such a sense of urgency to fast track everything, unsure of how much time you will be gifted.

We have had many laughs as well, those who know me well know how sarcastic and what a smart ass I am. I can't help it it spills out of me...out of my control.  I love quick witted people and have found met my match with Jason. I have this banter with my closest girlfriends and kids and family as well...to just say it as it is and see the humor in it.... you have to....or I have to.... its a survival mechanism!

Today at Chemo I met a young guy 32 who lost his leg to cancer had to get it amputated from the knee down, that was two years ago and now cancer has returned up by his heart so he has another 10 months of chemo. He had the most positive outlook, we met his mom and dad who had the most beautiful spirit.  You can not help but get uplifted and gain strength and get out of your own pity party when you hear other's stories of amazing strength and courage.

Will sign off with this funny video.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

Your Time is Limited

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

http://www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0014-jobs.htm

I am looking through quotes and past commencement speeches, to use clips of for Jays grad class slide show, and came across the above quote provided by Steve Jobs, the Co founder of Apple, who lost his battle with cancer last year after getting diagnosed in 2003 with pancreatic cancer.

I wanted to share... Jason sent it to me before I was diagnosed and I found it very inspirational. His message is for the Stanford Graduation class, but we can all take something away from it.

My son Jay graduates from high school in two months, I really can't believe it. Where did the time go??Seventeen years gone by in a blink of an eye.  He has so much growing up to do, so much potential, so many life skills yet to learn...he will get there, I have faith that he will figure it out.

I am feeling pretty good, my arm continues to heal. It is sore but looks good, am watching my step these days as I have tumbled a couple of times, and do not even have alcohol to blame! Heading into the tenth round of chemo this week,..I dread it at times, but have accepted that it is what it is, and the chemo will allow me to live my life and do the things I need to yet accomplish in my lifetime.

I find myself struggling as it has been six months since my diagnosis. I am searching for what my new purpose in life is. I know that my focus is on getting healthier, but need something to do eventually other than round the clock appointments. I want to do something that makes a difference, change lives, helps people see their potential, change their perspective, make people feel good about themselves. It will come, right now I need to believe I am on the right path, trying to figure everything out.

It's Sunday today, I will get out with Jason in the glorious sunshine for a big walk, go pick up Ray and take in a movie...Enjoy the day all...

Peace Out....

Laughter is the Best Medicine

It was a great Easter at my mom and dads and we as always had many laughs. I do love that about my family. My mom and dad and brother have a great sense of humor. Jason and I love to laugh and tease each other. My kids are funny and can laugh and they make me laugh! We played scrabble, me, Jason, Rayanne, and Dad. We are all quite competitive so it is a good laugh, I had a considerable lead, after using all seven tiles and coming up with the word lingered. I got 14 for the word and 50 bonus points for using all my tiles...I had left everyone in the dust! Well should never get too cocky or ever count Gary out, at one point I even helped him with a word--that he got 39 points! It started from Jason's word Pow-Ray added to it, made the word power..it turn into empower to empowered!!! Needless to say Gary won the game by 10 points! Good laughs and fun were had by all...

The treasure hunt for the kids was fun and Jason kicked in a 50$ I tunes card into one of the many eggs that the kids were hunting for, and Tanner found it, so he was pretty proud!

I have had a busy week my half cast is off and I have a splint, it's coming along, I have to do exercises for my wrist 5 times a day, and thought they were easy until Jason showed me I was doing most of them wrong:(!)
It kills the nights after the exercise but in the day its manageable.

Am back on chemo after a month off, and continue shrinking those tumor cells as I write!

We are planning a road trip to Texas and Phoenix in July and a few states along the way....I can't wait, I am so excited, I am so ready to have some down time, some fun-time it will be wonderful!

I had asked the nurse if she thought that if we shrink the tumors enough that surgery is possible, she had said very unlikely, because I have too many of them, but as long as we keep finding medication that keeps the tumors from growing , it will give me time, to live and enjoy life...she said live your life that is your focus right now not finding a cure but living with your cancer, managing your symptoms, and finding the joy in every day.

That's the plan...today is a gift, I am taking the kids overnight to the mall and enjoying the mini disneyland at WEM! Good Times, I am looking very forward to our time together.

Life is good, count your blessings as I tell my kids often, as there are many...it could always be worse :)

Peace Out!!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone, I wish for you all a time for connecting with loved ones, a time to reflect and count your many blessings, time for growth and new beginnings, as we depart from winter and welcome spring.

The sun is shining brightly here in St.Albert Alberta today. We had a snowstorm on Thursday that left us with another 6 inches of snow. The positive at this time of year is that it wont last long....I cant wait to get outside, feel the warmth, plant some flowers, start to BBQ, it will be wonderful.

We will go to my parents tomorrow for an Easter dinner, and I will set up a treasure hunt for the kids, Jason's like aren't they a little old for that lol, I'm like they still seem to enjoy it, especially the twins. First thing Ray, my fifteen year old says when we see her this week was "Are you going to do the treasure hunt this year?" Of course I am sweetheart!

The wrist is comin around, slow though, I am surprised thought it would be faster, what do I know really...,I still can not write or tie my shoes or get dressed. Jason and I took Ray to the Hunger Games and I had to go to the washroom after the movie, Ray had to come into the stall with me, and do up my jeans, she was like good grief you are like a baby, she was pulling up my jeans by my belt loops, I was laughing so hard at her facial expressions, we both ended up laughing so hard, she's like you could have broke your wrist at 10, not 45. I said get used to it, this is a glimpse into your future when you have to take care of me in my old age!

Happy Easter......

A song for you-Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANKWwI0ONGc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Counting our blessings can transform melancholy into cheerful mass; laughter and joy are expressions of praise and thanksgiving for life's glories. When looking at the glass that symbolizes our life, we can view it as half full or half empty. The choice is ours... The more joyful we are, the more attractive we become. When we feel gratitude for our experiences, it becomes easier to see the good that always exists. When we give a smile to someone else, we are likely to receive one in return, and that smile reflects a happy heart that is open and receptive to what the good life has in store.
John Marks Templeton

Not quite the break I was looking for?

Well was looking for a break....maybe a nice trip, a little trip, a broken wrist tripping over my elliptical was not the break that I was praying for....come on God, work with me a little!! Cut me some slack, please, I know you are testing me. I get it, I need to learn to slow down, I need to let go, I need to appreciate what I have, that it could always be worse, I get it, I really do get it and try to practise it!

This first 10 days has been brutal the most pain I have experienced since getting diagosed. It turns out I broke my wrist in 5 places, and needed to go in for surgery a week ago. I had to have a plate and 6 screws put in to keep my bones in place. I think I have been in shock and denial that this would not be a big deal but it has been a little bit of a set back. Chemo is on hold until next week.  Jason has been such a god send, making meals, doing everything, really, as I am mostly couch bound as I nurse this wrist back to good health. Have been on pain medication, which I have needed for 10 days now. The swelling is showing signs of coming down, but am needing to ice my arm around the clock.

I keep thinking I will  find a note from Jason that says; I didn't sign up for this.....adios. That's not who Jason  is,  but know he has his moments has and I know how thankful and very grateful for his love and for his care I am. Taking care of loved ones is probably harder on, the caregiver than the patient many days. It is a tough road at times and requires a lot of love, patience and understanding. Thank you to all of you again close friends and family, and a special thank you to you sweet Jason. Your committment to our love and our relationship overwhelms me at times. We have prayed, shed many tears, shared many laughs, and had a few disagreements as we struggle through this journey together.We will share much joy and happiness I promise you...it is just around the corner...

At times I feel useless, and guilty that someone has to do so much, it shuts me down sometimes. I did so much at one point in my life, multi-tasking career, kids, part of me thrived on being so busy, the more I had to juggle the stronger I felt...I need to find me again in this new chapter of my life. Right now I feel a little lost, it is hard to shift gears, to go from high to low....I have been through these transitions before, I will rise up, just in a low spot today...

 I can't change what is happening, only choose my attitude of how to face and deal with everything.

Sometimes I wonder how I am going to climb the next mountain that I am faced with, and so far am pushing through one day at a time. Remembering my many blessings helps and that I am not climbing alone.

                                                                 Chemo Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtCxGEDR_NQ
Stormy: Hedley ---The sun will shine again :) Peace Out!