To My Brotha on his Special day!

Happy Birthday my Dear Brother,

My brother is very special , and we have come together and grown much closer over the past two years, as we are involved in each other's lives much more, it has been so nice! This blog is dedicated to my brother, on his special day... and all the siblings out there that support each other and share that special bond that only siblings can have with one another!

How I have grown to appreciate my bro more and more over the years and so appreciate our relationship. He came back to the family business a couple of years ago, and it has been wonderful, to have had his support, and unload and talk to, teach and learn from each other, laugh, it  has been a great comfort!  And you are doing a really great job!

We have seen each other more in the last few months than I think we have seen each other in the last decade, and I am so grateful.  Chris has been so generous with his time, his care. His help and generosity with teaching me healthy organic eating, has been appreciated.  His time spent with the kids. The bond with their Uncle Chris has grown much closer!  So nice to watch. He is so patient, it amazes me, easy going, it is a wonderful quality, and nice to be around, he is really accommodating.

He has a vast skill set, from beautiful photography, many of the photos you have seen were taken by my brother who graciously volunteered his time from hanging with the girls...well I guess that part wasn't a huge sacrifice we are pretty cool, or we think we are...legends in our own mind lol...and my girlfriends are good looking so that part probably was easy for him to be around lol...to doing an amazing job on the family pics for me with the kids and family, all the pics I absolutely adore and cherish. Thank you! 

Chris is a fantastic guitarist, a media whiz, he is going to help me put a slide show together for my son Jay's  Grad this year..its going to be outstanding! He is the family tech guy the one you call to hook up anything, computer troubleshooting, printers, I-Phones, I pad's blackberries, TV's DVD, audio, good grief.  We are quite challenged in the McKillican household to figure these things out!!

Thank goodness Jay my oldest has many of these skills as well, so nice to know we have another generation coming up to help out when bro gets up there in age in a few years lol...sorry bro had to get one age dig in here as you are always giving me the gears!!

Chris is Mr. Out Doors as well from biking to snowboarding windsurfing.  Wow he's quite the guy, I always said if he was my sister I would easily get jealous, as he got the tall gene, naturally curly hair, and he has always struggled to keep weight on. I often wondered if he was adopted...Just kidding sweet brother.

Well my brother on this special day, know how much you are loved and how special you are.  You do live life to the fullest, and you are an inspiration to me and so many others.  You do a great job at balancing your life, and finding the joy in every day.  I am so very proud of you, and thankful for your love, support, and time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 


I love you so....


Yo Sista xoxox

                                          Lisa-(BF) Me and Bro-November 2011

Birthday Song for you Chris...Enjoy! The lucky Ones- Brendan James

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_qSuVCOTQc

My Girl is Somethin Special.....

I adore and love all of my kids they are all so very special.  Today's blog is dedicated to my baby girl, my daughter, Rayanne Lynn, the boys will follow as I would like to dedicate a blog to each of my wonderful children.

Rayanne is an old soul, she is wise beyond her years, on most days!  She has a maturity, wisdom and common sense that I have always admired.  I certainly lacked it at her age.... Not saying that she she doesn't have a hint of wild child, and some rebellion in her, that is definitely there as well!  Not a bad thing, I truly believe it builds character, and as I have mentioned if you can control or manage it better than I did in my teenage years, that rebellious wild side serves you well as you get older. I believe it allows you to push beyond the boundaries, not to fear change, to reach outside of the box, to know that it's ok to speak your mind, to have your own voice and to be a leader.  The truth be known the wild rebellious side was inherited from my dad, Rayanne's Papa...he doesn't talk about his childhood/teenage stories a ton but wow, does he have some stories!!  Love you Dad!

My recent diagnosis of cancer has been unexpected and a a huge challenge that none of us expected to be faced with. We can not change the diagnosis, but we can choose the attitude we need to overcome the upcoming challenges that we have been faced with and that lay ahead.  I know it is hard, and it has and will be painful , and very sad some days as well as some fear of the unknowns as well.  We will also continue to have much laughter, happiness and joy through this ongoing battle and we will make the best of what we are dealt with. We all know or are learning that there have been many blessings that have come through this illness as well.  It is a gift as well in that it has taught us all perspective and what the most important things in life are all about.  It has deepened our connections with those we love the most. It has brought new special relationships into our lives.  It reminds us not to sweat the small stuff, and to let go of the conflict.  To forgive and move forward, and to be grateful.   Of course not flawless, we have setbacks in remembering all of these things we have bad days and we get knocked down...but we always find a way to get back up!

With my cancer being quite aggressive I have contemplated what to share with thekids, and have decided that the open honest approach is the only way for me.  How we need to fight and stay positive and focus our energy on staying positive.  I have always chosen the open path in communicating with my kids, some say sometimes too open, but that is my philosophy.  Keep it real, keep it optimistic, don't lose faith or hope, keep the lines of communication open and talk. This style feels the best and most honest approach for me, hopefully its working!

Of course having talks to my teenagers on sex, this approach does not seem to be received as well, so I have had to taylor it slightly as they often have their hands over there ears and say too much information!!!!!

Back to Ray, her courage through these last three months has been amazing.  We have cried many times together, laughed, she has a wicked sense of humour, and makes me laugh all of the time, she definitely oozes the cool factor, and she is so quick witted. All of my kids have a wonderful sense of humor. They are all quick witted, and have inherited quite a bit of my sarcastic humor, as well as their dad's which has created some great personalities in all of them, I love their stories, and how they can make me laugh.  I enjoy as I do all the kids all time the time that we do get to spend with each other.

Ray and I have found the gift of prayer, in general we have not been overly religious up until this point, but both have find such great comfort in praying together and on our own. It gets us through some of the bumps, it definitely helps.

Rayanne just got her learners last week.  She had procrastinated getting her learners last year, and when she learned that I could not drive, she said Mom I want to help out with the driving..so sweet, she brought tears to my eyes, she got the book back out, her dad got her 200 flashcards and she studied and knew the answer to every question on those flash cards in one night!  The next day she took the test and got her learners only getting one wrong!  I am so proud of her.  I must say she is quite a confident driver already! Way to go Girl!

Rayanne started playing the guitar in September and she has been taking singing lessons over the last year and a half.  She has learned a song she has played for me and it brings tears to my eyes every time she plays it for me. I have found the song on You Tube and would like to share it with you... it follows this.

Rayanne is a beautiful soul, I am so blessed and proud to be her Mom.    I believe that as much as she has learned from me, she has also taught me so much.  We have grown so close over the years this I am so very thankful for as it warms my heart and soul.  I know she has much to experience in life, Rayanne will do well in anything she takes on. I look forward to every experience we share and will share together in this lifetime, you are amazing Rayanne.

Thank you Rayanne for your support, for your strength, and for your love...You are beautiful in every way and an amazing gift. You are so very special to me, my girl, and so many.  I love you with all of my heart, and I cherish every minute we get to spend together.

XOXOXOXO   All my love, yo Mamma

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muKQWGMC-b0

Its my Time.... Its My Life... I Gotta take it to Right!!

I just worked out...not like the old days when I taught fitness classes to the finest group of women in Onoway! I loved picking out the music for the classes that we did, and would change it up every six weeks.  Finding the music was one of my favorite processes. I just hoped the music that motivated me would motivate the girls...it usually did!  It was the intense squats and lunges we did that usually got me a few dirty looks!
But wow did our legs look amazing!

We did a combination of step, weights, high impact aerobics, core work, some yoga...it was a lot of fun, and the music and the participants were always my main motivator. I loved great music, the participants were wonderful, and the determination and motivation by the group was such a push for me, teaching fitness classes was a great experience in my life for sure.

I did it for about 7 years part time, while I was at home with my two oldest, and continued teaching at night for a few years after the twins were born.

I do miss cardio, and I did take it for granted, and I cant believe looking back a month before being diagnosed with cancer, I ran down a mountain at Lake Louise!!  I took being active for granted, and there were many months before cancer I was in a rut, and the couch and chocoloate chip cookies looked far better than any elliptical machine.

I do love that feeling of those great endorphins being released after a hard run, or the elliptical, or high impact aerobics, its better than anything I have experienced...well almost better...lol. I know many of you wont believe me, but when you are in that zone, everything becomes clearer. I find you can do your best planning and decision making when you are working out, no wonder I am not getting anything accomplished these days..lol.

My work-out today consisted of  a warm-up, weights, upper body, lower body, squats and lunges..---not quite the same intensity...but it will come!  It felt good!!!

This song really gets me going by Enrique Englasis: I like how it feels!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZcWTvVQmkk

Crank it up and get your body moving, guaranteed you will feel better, and will have a more productive day because of it....that's my experience anyway!

Cheers!

God Bless the Broken Road

When I think back to my formidable teenage years 15-18, I think, wow was I a handful.  Every rule that was put in place, I broke it.  Every time I heard no my mind turned it into a yes...Every time I heard you can't... I thought to myself, yes I can. Why....why not.... Great traits when used for positive, not so good when used negatively, such as for decisions on staying out past curfew  partying until wee hours of the morning.....yes I had turned into a parents worst nightmare!  My kids of course will use this very blog against me, but I am prepared!

We lived in St.Albert when Gary started his compay in 1978, I was starting to get boy crazy, experimenting with drinking and I had finished grade nine with the police looking for me as I was celebrating at my grad party, as I had blown curfew and  mom and dad were trying to teach me a lesson.  I always had a little rebellious streak in me, however this was just the beginning!

I had been grounded for six months for blowing curfew, and all landline phones were taken out of the house for a while, and the only time I was allowed out of the house was to do an activity that was sports related...I became an avid rollerskater, swimmer, lawn darts, lawn bowling, you name it I played it so that I could get out and connect with my peeps!

It was around this time that mom and dad thought moving to the country may be timely in getting their teenage daughter away from a few bad influences, including an older boyfriend,  they thought the clean country air would be a nice change for us all living in the City our whole lives, and  country living would help curve any bad habits that might be forming. in their teenage daughter.

When we first went out to the spot Gary found for our family just East of Onoway, I thought I was playing a scene right out of Little House on the Prairie....We had to stay in a 800 square foot cabin for six weeks before our Log House was ready to move into.  I had to wash my hair from a well that pumped cold water, and I had no patience to wait to heat it up so I would wash it every day in ice cold water, thinking my life was going to be a living hell, how will I survive this transition, that surely I was living in Ommish Country and that life as I knew it was definately over...Onoway?? On the way to where??

To the best party ever... lets just say that the small town that we moved to in 1982 was party central, full of teenagers, much wilder than me and it was insane..100 people attending these parties most Friday and Saturday nights ....I was in heaven!  Mom and Dad not so much.  We made it through, some days my parents I am sure were not too sure I would.  At one point Mom had taken me to band camp where the band travelled across Canada, thinking this would be a good thing for me to join..Lets move her out of the province never mind the city, try and get me back to reality, I had already grown quite fond of Ommish Country and the thought of hanging out with 100- straight laced band students scared me to death!!  When I think back then to the grief  I gave them, of course I feel bad , have apologized many times over,  I was selfish and had to have my way at the time...I  always loved a good party!

Mom and Dad have long since forgiven me but their memory is so long they have not forgot, funny how that works, and as I share some of my frustrations with occasional teenage attitude and issues I run into, they don't appear overly empathetic, its like they have been waiting for these days to arrive ! Payback! Thinking back Band Camp was a really good idea, and I am already looking into for Joey and Tanner!

The rebellious streak, well that never really went away, I just tamed it a bit, and have always been headstrong, and if I believed in something or wanted to do something, I usually have always found a way to do it. Over the years I have learned to channel it towards positive decisions.  Yes  I have made mistakes, there is no doubt, and have learned something from all of them. We are on a certain path for a reason, this I do believe, and every experience leads us to to another path.  It has been a broken road that has lead me to where I am today. I have no regrets. I had a 19 year partnership that created four wonderful children, I have a wonderful family, friends and the most amazing support group.  I am blessed today with a wonderful partner that shares the same philosophies and goals that I do.   Every change I have made has been for the right reasons, this illness has taught me so much, I will continue to learn, I will continue to change, I will continue to grow...

"Your thoughts and beliefs of the past have created this moment, and all the moments up to this moment. What you are now choosing to believe and think and say will create the next moment and the next day and the next month and the next year."


"You are not a helpless victim of your own thoughts, but rather a master of your own mind."


-Louise Hay

Double Rainbow...What Does it Mean?

A couple of years of ago me and the kids went to Las Vegas to visit my mom and dad and my brother was there as well, we started talking and he asked if we had seen the U-tube video of  the Double Rainbow .  None of us had seen it, which at the time, apparently  it was the most hit video around. Who knew??  He gave us a hard time for being out of the loop lol..this video made us laugh so hard and since then we have referred to double rainbow moments often...hope you enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI 

What does it mean?  It means to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, to look around us and see the beauty, and although you may need two bottles of wine or something stronger to really get into what you are appreciating like this guy clearly did lol the message is the same....look for the double rainbows, or the single ones for that matter and take time to enjoy and appreciate.

Love this quote by one of my favorites; Robin Sharma

Pleasure is great- but it doesn't last. Pleasure comes from your five senses. From a great meal, a nice glass of wine and a new car. Nothing wrong with these things- they make the experience of life better. But they are fleeeting...

Happiness is the DNA of pleasure. My point is simply this: Pleasure comes from something on the outside. Happiness comes from within. It's a state you create by choice. It's a decision. It's an act of will.

People can be happy while they are going through great pain and adversity. There's no pleasure evident in their external lives yet they are content on the inside. And conversely, tons of people are surrounded by pleasure (fast cars, nice homes, great clothes) but there is no joy within. So choose to be happy. 

Robin Sharma

Have a great Saturday..

Appreciate Your Great Feedback!

A shout out to everyone who has encouraged me to continue this blog. I have received so much positive feedback, and so many comments that my story has helped to inspire many.  THANK YOU!!  I love to share my story and include my children, family, partner and friends as they are such an important part of this journey and it has affected and touched all of us in a different way.

I have received feedback from a handful, out of 2500 people, that including my children on this blog their pictures or their names can be viewed as a negative. Unfortunately this feedack got back to them,  I am confused with this view point. Facebook is much more personal, and anyone who views their kids facebook will see many more pictures posted and much more information exchanged.  Concern especially because this is a blog on their mom who is writing about her journey through cancer..something I hoped that they could always have as a positive inspiring journal that includes their support for me and my love and pride for them in this journey.

I will continue on the positive wave of the many others following this blog. I am grateful through my travels that this blog stretches out world wide, and hope it helps many.  I will continue to find the positives in this journey,  if I waste too much time in the lows, I will lose out on any opportunity to really fight this illness, to find the joy and the many gifts and blessings that are there if you are open to receiving them.

A couple of quotes to share with you;

Lance Armstrong.  said, “If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up or fight like hell.” Lance Armstrong obviously didn’t give up. He fought with vigor and unstoppable belief in his recovery. 

Margaret Mead said, “We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems.” People with cancer have often turned their cancer into great opportunities. Many people use their cancer to reach out to others in need and still others find a way to finally let others reach out to them. Very often, cancer changes people for the better even when things couldn’t look much worse. 

We choose to fight like Hell!

I Get knocked Down but I get Up Again....

Tough day Tuesday- I was knocked down had a lttle bit of a pity party after my doctor's appointment, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how much one can take physically, mentally and emotionally, apparently I can take alot!! Stuggling more of late on the mental and emotional, side as physically except for the nausea and the breathing which is getting better, many days  I feel pretty good...I have decided to take a break from Chemo for a week to make decisions on the best path to take.

My appointment confirmed my liver tumours are growing and what looked liked a few tumors on my  lungs are shrinking which is positive.  Chemo treatments apparently can be effective for some tumors and not others....my liver functions are all great, just not responding to the treatment..the blood clots are more of an immediate concern, I have many in my lungs and we do not want them to break off or it could be serious. I am not able to drive until we get them under control...my breathing is better, so am feeling confident we are on a better track...

We are looking into a second opinion just to reassure myself that I have had everything possible presented to me for options, and that Edmonton Cross Cancer hasn't missed anything. If I stick with Cross Cancer in Edmonton I will likely be going on a new chemo cocktail with new side affects...never gets boring!  Side affects kind of freak you out but not everyone gets them, so have to hope you are in that group who never gets them...or they are minimal...if I do get the side affects I  may experience a loss of balance, loss of feeling in fingers and toes....5 days you cant go outside in really cold weather, that would really break my heart on a day like today ...but I think I could get past it...occasional drool would run down your mouth onto your chin and chest, just kidding on that last part...any ways will see what the other options show...In the mean time reading alot of positive, looking at some natural alternatives and back on my herbal medicine..that has been almost as devastating as finding out I had cancer, learning I can't drive...I have been known to get a lot of speeding tickets in the past so my partner said they had to figure out someway to keep you off the roads...very funny...:)

So I went home feeling overwelmed and with everything after it sits with me for a while and I process, I have a reaction one way or another, a little sad last night. Greatful that I get to explore other options, my family is so generous they have provided every possible option for us to explore ...many don't get this opportunity to look at anything else as it can be very costly and I am very  thankful.Thank you.

My condition reminds me daily that you really need to take the joy from every single day, I really do not know what tomorrow will bring, I know that I am here today and had a great day.  I enjoyed time with my boys last night my kids have the best sense of humour, how they make me laugh and fill my heart with joy, and how I feel so much love for all of my children. I enjoyed every moment we spent last night and tonight with my daughter, she is so wise, and deals with so much, I am so proud of how she handles what has been thrown her way.She is amazing and she has so much courage and strength and been such an amazing support for me.  My brother so kind, helping me drive the kids and spending the time bonding with his nephews and niece, such a wonderful gift.

I am so appreciative of the support of my wonderful partner, he has helped me through many dark moments throughout the past months, and been such a great friend, confidante and a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with.  He has cheered me on and been my greatest fan, has stayed by my side, he has made me feel beautiful at a time when I feel insecure and anything but beautiful some days, he has always had my back, never judges me, always makes time for me, takes such great care of me when he is here, when he is not he constantly checks in on me... and loves me through my roughest days.

Thank you....

I am blessed.

Happy Birthday to My Mom my Strength!

Wow what can I say I have the most amazing Mom, she is Beautiful inside and out, it was her birthday yesterday, I won't tell you how old she is, you wouldn't believe me.  I am so blessed to have her as my Mom, she has been an incredible source of strength to me over the past three months, and my lifetime.  I cherish our laughs, out time and our talks, we are best friends,  I can talk to her about anything, some conversation from me she could probably do with out...sometimes I am too much of an open book!

My mom has always taken excellent care of all of those she loves, she puts herself last in the pecking order of needs to be taken care of.  She has two of the best cared for labra-doodles, Charlie and Sunny and she stays so fit by walking them twice a day....she's an inspiration to me, her strength, her character, her kind heart, her gentle spirit, are something that I so admire about my Mom.

Thank you Mom...I love you dearly, I am so grateful to have you in my life!! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Happy Birthday!

Here's to a year full of laughter, happiness, and return to my good health!

Bald and Beautiful

Well I heard GI Jane- Demi Morre was a sexy look...oh its the muscle shirt and braless part you are referring to...ya that makes more sense....well I am embracing it the bald part..Showering is a breeze, I get it guys you have little maintenance, I love that part of it, I can be ready in 15 minutes enjoy the pics...my kids helping me embrace...

Be Your own Health Advocate...Noone else can be!

Well have had a challenging week with my health, was knocked down...but am rising back up...you have to, well we always have a choice...and I choose to fight..I have had some disappointments with our healthcare system and some major frustrations in lack of communication...this is what I have learned.

Do not give up on your instincts, and sometimes when we think that the experts or physicians totally have it together, we may be trusting too much.  I started chemo 4 cycles ago or 8 weeks ago, when I met with my oncologist I had been battling blood clots that were in my lungs and chest but with injections they had been managed and even had approval to travel so great sign, as blood clots on their own can be quite serious..

After 4 rounds of chemo which I have tolerated decently, I have had ongoing shortness of breath, if you spend any time with me and I am chatting or walking it sounds like I have been smoking cartons of cigarettes and have played a few rounds of bingo...Raspy not sexy and slightly winded...

Always mentioned this to my oncologist which during 3 rounds was someone different who was replacing my oncologist for vacation...really not much attention was paid to it as anything serious they would check my O2-which was decent sitting and dismissed...

Fast forward 4 treatments which we were going to wait 6 treatments but wanted to find out if the chemo treatment was making a difference...I get the CT scan which I tell you am not the greatest fan of and the fill in oncologist calls says you have some blood clot issues and need to up your dosage on your fragmin a blood thinner I am taking..but do not have your final results your regular oncologist will catch up to you next week...ok check... will get that rectified...done.

See my regular GP on Monday Doctor Pungur, has been a God Send through this whole process, as she is not numb to the caring part of her role, and does everything in her power to make a difference.  She is understands the increase in dosage does not have the CT report yet but based on what I am telling her feels good that this is the next step...notices my breathing challenges and writes up a requisition to have my lungs assessed, and recommends I get some 02...my dream of having my own tank on wheels and dobber and multiple rounds of bingo in my sexy wig is getting closer to my reality..I am excited. Really I need something to help fill my days. Think of the fundraising I could get accomplished for Hockey probably have it all done in a month!

Pungur calls Tuesday and says she thinks I should maybe be in the hospital based on what she is now seeing in the CT report...I said have you caught up to my oncologist, who is steering the ship?  She catches up to OC and she says should be ok based on dosage bump?

Call on Wednesday from Pungur's office saying you cant drive...ok I am now like WTH is going on? I call my oncologist from the Cross Cancer who hasn't called me yet all I have at this point is a regular scheduled appointment to get routine blood work follow up, and chemo scheduled for next Tuesday...

She gets back to me at the end of the day...I am like what is going on?  She says my chest is loaded with blood clots one has attached itself to the bottom of my heart and arteries, and lungs and there are multiple clots going on that can break off and potentially be fatal.  Oh that's nice you were going to tell me when?  What am I supposed to do with this informtion?

The chemo has not been working and has potentially caused the blood clots...which can happen, and I know this, but here is where things went wrong....they dropped the ball on monitoring my blood clots, we could have known weeks ago when breathing issues were an issue that complications were occuring...her oncologist didnt even know I had blood clots even though I told him...I am like what is your next plan?  Well we will change up the chemo to see if we have better results....

Here's the deal, I am not a number I am a human being...even in Distribution and so many of our businesses, we would get back to our customers or our own team,with any issue withing 24 hours, never mind something as serious as your life.  We need to expect the highest level of accountability from people that are responsible for treating our health issues.  We need to demand it. Communication is everything, at all stages, do the doctors  become so numb to the human condition that they stop caring,  Dr Pungur excluded...she Rocks...are they so overworked that they keep up and everything falls through the cracks, and balls get dropped....not sure, but will find out on Tuesday if my Oncologist is with me in this fight, and is ready to get aggressive, and manage my case more effectively keeping her team informed, being a Leader and doing what's right...or if this is all she has and is at her most productive, well then I have some decisions to make...

Onward and Upward....

Kids are Amazing!

I am amazed at how kids handle life's challenges we always say the poor kids,they actually have a better ability to adapt than many adults. I have found this is in going through divorce as well as illness.  They do not judge, they usually are not afraid to ask questions, they love you through it. This extends in my experience to my children's friends...they are amazing as well..they always have big hugs for me, ask me how I am doing, always ask the right questions...its a really wonderful quality and I have appreciated all of my children's friends  as well and love them to pieces.  Keep those amazing qualities going and you will continue to grow into the wonderful people you are meant to be...without judgement, acceptance, kindness, courage, love and understanding...

I am grateful my kids have such a strong support group in all of you they need you...You guys rock! Pics of my amazing children!

Capture the Moments!

My brother in November gave me the best gift ever in that he took the time to do a photo shoot for me with my girlfriends and my kids, the pictures turned out wonderfully, and we all had a great time in the process...I will share with you I dont have the pics of my kids yet electronically but do of the girls...the pictures of some of my girlfriends 4 of us have been friends since we were 15 and 3 of them go back even further together...I am the oldest and the wisest of them all of course oops correction of three ...when you are older you get the privilege of using that line, guess I can't use that line...what the hell will still use it....

There is nothing greater than a cherished photo...take your camera everywhere, I had gotten out of the habit, and am reminded now that we must record these special moments in life!

I'm Sexy and I Know It!

I love this song it has become my mantra as of late, much to my children's dismay....with all the physical changes that have taken place with me, going through support hose, shaving my head, bleeding noses, bruising on my stomach from the injections, now looking at getting an oxygen tank to help with occasional breathing issues....wow I am a catch and a half!  I realize that the cool factor really does come from within from your ATTITIUDE  from your OUTLOOK on life from the AMAZING PEOPLE you choose to surround yourself with...from participating in life not being a victim, being accountable...from letting go NO MORE DRAMA!

I taught fitness classes for many years, and I loved the confidence that people found in themselves after working out and feeling better about who they were...I am still working out, starting back doing some yoga and light weights it feels great I will get back to a full on work out and look so forward to it and appreciate what I can do today...so I encourage you to find your sexy your cool factor, and know that spending more time on working within will go much further than anytime you spend creating your look in the mirror!!

Check it out Dance like noone is watching!! I do!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUTWkFpv7As

The Gift of Pandora

2011 the gift of choice and much love was the Pandora bracelet....I had got one for my daughter for her birthday, with some special charms, and then I received a beautiful bracelet from my partner, and then my mom surprised me and my girlfriends with one beginning of December to show their support for me...it has come to be quite the meaningful bracelet, and a source of inspiration and love that we all reflect on when we are wearing!

Love the Pandora and all of the special memories in charms that are on them!

Your Home Really Is Where your Heart Is

I have been going through a loonnnnnnng divorce...officially in March it will be two years, and the process continues...no fun.  No having cancer didnt speed things up...my perspective but not the process!!  Originally I had this silly idea that nesting in the house we were all in was a good idea....  I spent a week in the house with the kids, and then their dad spent a week in the house and we would alternate...I had thought the nesting was a healthier way for our children to transition through the process, there have been some positives, but many challenges, mostly not being able to move on which is a necessary part of the process.

November first and another wonderful blessing of my cancer I got a condo which I am renting in St. Albert, and a chance to move on!!! I can not tell you how freeing and wonderful it felt to finally take this step, and loads of stress started dissolve.....what made this experience even more exciting was one of my close friends did a home extreme makeover on the condo and it was so amazing and such an incredible gift.  We were a good team I bought the furniture and she put her phenomenal designer touch on it and in less than 36 hours the place was transformed and made into a home....the kids are adjusting well. Rayanne loves it and the boys of course are country boys and resisting admitting they wont like anything that has to do with city living...but the space feels wonderful and it truly does feel like a home......thank you my dear friend for helping make this possible it has truly lifted my spirits and made this process much more manageable!

Amazing Support Group

I truly have been amazed by the letters I receive from friends,family, work associates, loved ones,  it has been so uplifting and such an amazing source of strength for me I wanted to share their commentw anonymously of course with you....just when you think you are in this battle alone, there are so many people praying and thinking and supporting you every step of the way.....use these words to help lift your spirits as I know many of you are looking for encouragement!!


How are you doing? It seems like such a silly thing to ask when I know what you have been going through the past few months. I was in utter shock when I heard the news about you being so sick. I remember I sank in my chair and chocked up. You are such a strong person I know you will be great… you have no choice, we need to kick butt in this year’s golf tournament J I am sure you have your daily challenges and from word from your Dad and brother Chris they are truly amazed how wonderful your spirits are.  




I know it is easy for me to say but stay positive - your attitude is fabulous and it is what defines you - it's what makes you the wonderful person you are...you are a great friend, mother, daughter and have the ability/gift to "touch/impact" people - that is rare and you have to be the steward of that gift - it is powerful - I realize you have one hell of a support group but if you need anything let me know...




Stac..

We are glad you have your fighting spirit back on track this morning because we all know how important that positive frame of mind is on the body and spirit both.  And you have the most amazing strength and it will make a huge difference physically and emotionally.  That said we understand the peaks and valley's too as the circumstances create emotional high's and low's but at the same time your personality at it's core is a very positive, optimistic and powerful one which will always come back to resurface.

I came across this article and while it is sad....it is also
inspirational and spectacular.....that a 7th grader could have such
maturity and compassion to speak to so many......i believe that
this is also something that you have a gift for......you have a
powerful story....life.....personality.  Stacy I love you and support
you......you have such vast amount of life experience to pull
from....

Hair Today Gone in 3 Chemo Treatments

Losing your hair is tramatic for a woman...maybe not all but a vein woman like me who likes to look good and feels her hair is a big part of her looks and is in a new relationship...ya this can be a little daunting....it helps if your guys is bald and shaves your head for you and loves and appreciate you for who you are, yes that is pretty special indeed and has helped me immensely. My best friend got me the best wig, so generous and beautiful and   it is pretty cool...my son Joey said he likes the bald natural look, Rayanne is horrified when I walk around bald as she thinks there is a strange man walking around...no just me honey...I hung on to my bangs for a week, that didn't rack up the rave reviews, as my kids said I looked like a sick bird trying to hang onto my remaining feathers...whatever hair today gone tomorrow....

Dealing with the Blues

I have good days and sad days...am really trying to find the joy in every day, because I know its there, and I am positive by nature which has been extremely helpful to me through my lifetime.  I get sad when I think about not possibly being there for my kids, taking in a special event, feeling their sadness in their mom missing out on there big moments, I have a real urgency now to record, write and get as much in as I can for them.  I am hopeful, and am praying for the greatest outcome, also have always been a realist and feel a little overwhelmed knowing I have at least 10 tumours on my liver that we need to blast away...I want to squeeze every thing I can out of life with my partner with my friends with my family...time have come to dread that word a little bit over the past little while .Chemo seems to be responding slow...may be looking at new options.  Your perspective gets in balance really quickly which I so appreciate through this process, someone said to me at my sons hockey game the other day, that she was really dreading turning 50... I said don't fear it embrace it the alternative is not seeing 50 its just a number that will bring you that many more wonderful experiences...I get it and people feel bad for thinking it, until you have something happen this close to home, you try to live each moment like its your last, but lets face it, that is not always possible, more possible when you are given an illness with maybe an incurable outcome, but a challenge at times to always live in the moment...a good challenge to work towards....

Is Everyone on the Same Team?

You really have to be your own advocate of your health and keep everyone on the same page or you will get lost in the shuffle, dont get me wrong I am sure that everyone means well but so many balls are dropped, I have an oncologist who has been away twice and her replacement who is doing his best my family doctor who is awesome but on her own little island as well.

We spent 6 hours at the cross last week because they were back logged from holidays...the worst thing is that noone tells you what is going on so you finally go up and check and were told we were next and why do we automatically assume that next could mean 5 minutes not another hour and a half!! I remember when Jay was born my doctor said you will have your baby before noon...well that was not something that should have ever been put in my head as he was born at 10:09 PM and it was a long gruelling day of Labour!!!!

Anyways finally got in and I have had breathing problems because I have blood clots or a pulminary embolism in my lungs they had been going away so that was good but the breathing problems have been getting worse, so he sent me for a chest X Ray to rule out pneumonia...no pneumonia and the cancer nodules that had appeared on my lungs look to be shrinking another positive sign!!

Next day was my CT Scan which is the grande Daddy of scans shows what is really going on as far as the success of your chemo...this test has turned out to be a thorn in my side and I now dread it I have had it about four times they put an intervenous in you and pump die through your veins to get a better reading of what is going on.....my veins are sensitive because of the blood clots...I really do have a high pain tolerence or I tell people I do  because I think I am pretty tough....lol any ways they open up the pressure to let this dye in your veins and I swear it feels like electric shock therapy........ I swear everytime.. F bombs,  to really get my point accross..this time I was on Chemo which really made me look tough.....one girl did it gentle one time opened it up at a decent pressure and it was all good, so it can be done....I was mad I said have you ever had this test done..no, actually I havnt.. well it feels like electric shock is running through your system and its all you can do from hurting somebody really badly...she's like hmm I will have to remember that...yes you will as I will not forget for next time...ok I know a little bitter...., I am generally more positive but I have my limits!!!!

So the CT Scan actually showed a return of my blood clots and likely the shortness of my breath a serious side affect on its own...so while we are all doing the happy dance over the chest X-ray it was a little premature...that is what I mean on everyone being on the same page, I have had shortness of breath for a month already!!!

Looks like we are back on track dosage was readjusted and hopefully the shortness of breath disappears soon :)