Beautiful Stacy Anne Mckillican

Our Sweet Stacy lost her battle with cancer yesterday December 2, 2012.  She has left us all with a part of her in this blog not just about whom she was but also about how to live life when faced with great adversity.  Her mantra of never give up, never lose hope, never stop fighting and to stay positive has inspired us all.  Stacy had a wonderful way of making all of us around her feel special.  Stacy got great comfort in writing the blog posts sharing through this blog her journey over the past year and how their have been many ups and downs.  A Stacy would say many more ups than downs as that is her perspective on life.  All of you that have followed her blog most likely have been even further drawn into the Person, Woman,  Mother,  Daughter, Friend and Partner that Stacy was.  Stacy has taught us that there is no certainty what tomorrow will bring.

Stacy has four wonderful children that were her greatest achievement in this life.  She has expressed to me how blessed she has been to be their mom and that they will always,  always be a part of her for eternity and she loves them more than words can express.  She felt blessed to be a mom not just once but four times. Stacy felt blessed to be a mom and for these four beautiful children. Justin (Jay) her oldest has such a beautiful spirit and heart and is cool, calm and collected and has the ability to roll with the punches and this will take him fare in life.  Jay your mom thought the world of you and loves you unconditionally.  Rayanne her second oldest who is so beautiful inside and out, with such an intuitive, kind and inquisitive spirit.  Rayanne you will always, always be a part of you mom.  Stacy would say remember life in not about what you do it is about being successful in whom you are and remember to be good to yourselves and the rest will fall into place.   Her twin boys Joey and Tanner.  Joey with the little twinkle in your eye you have always brought your mom Joy and have a beautiful spirit and your mom is so proud of you.  Tanner your mom is so proud of you,  she is so thankful you were able to let down your walls as scary as that was it meant so much to your Mom. You were always quick to help your mom and always seamed to really know what she needed and she was so proud of this and how she was able to have you all back and close to her.  Stacy wanted you all to remember that she is always going to be a part of you, loving you, holding you and cherishing you forever and ever.  When you look up into the Sky and see that brightest Star this is your mom looking back on you.  She will be with you through your life and wanted you to know how special and wonderful it is to be your mom

All of us that got to experience Stacy have been blessed by her, there was never a stranger in Stacy's life as she could talk to anyone and always made others feel comfortable.  Stacy treated everyone with kindness and dignity.

This blog as the title says was not so much about her life as about her "Journey Through Cancer" and in this journey she has taught me so much about life.  Stacy wanted everyone to know how much the support she received through this blog has meant to her and how thankful and blessed she felt to have been able to be touched by and to have touched so many.  Stacy was at peace with her life and had left nothing unsaid, had left no loose ends and once again such an example to us all.  Stacy has a wonderful Family and is survived by Lynn and Gary her parents, Chris her brother, Her four beautiful children Jay, Rayanne, Tanner and Joey and Many, many close friends.  I as her partner Jason have been blessed to have been at her side through her Journey Through Cancer and am in Awe of the Beautiful, Courageous, Strong and Inspiring woman that is Stacy Anne Mckillican.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.     
Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Stacy went where there was not a path and has left a trail for us all to follow!

We all will have Stacy with us each and everyday.

Guest Post By Jason Dahl

YOU ARE THE BEST

To my fellow supporters, how I have missed you all!  I have not been able to reach out to you like I have wanted and needed to, and it is time to get back to this fight, as it never stops unless you do, and I do not plan to quit anytime soon!

I apologize for putting that wall up when you all are such an incredible source of strength for me.  I need to remember to always draw in the power that you have given to me just knowing you are reading my blog, sharing your own stories, or e mailing your kind words of encouragement, offering your time, and offering your help.  You are a great support group, and I am so very blessed to know you.... thank you!

Most of you have heard the past couple of months have not been the best months we have been dealt. We are getting through breaking my pelvis which is a 3-5 month process, and we  found out this month the chemo treatment I have been taking is no longer working and the tumors are growing and showing up in new places, along with the bloodclots, they are back and now multiplying.  We were all physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally beat up.

That was then....this is now.  I have been accepted to try out a new drug on a clinical trial which is being done in Vancouver B.C. and it starts next week!  I have nothing to tell you yet, other than it is in phase I trials which all new drugs start at before they are approved. 

 It has been tested on lab rats and bunny rabbits, which had cancer and I am going to believe now after taking this powerful effective drug, that they have never observed happier animals than these furry guys and gals hopping around and laying around at the resort with their umbrella drinks, passing the ball back and forth wondering how they came to feel and look so absolutely amazing!

Will keep you posted we are in a Bed and Breakfast for the month of November.  Two blocks from BC Cancer Center  and kids will fly down for visits as soon as we learn more.  We just know the only month they need to see me every day is the month of November.

Feels great to be back in touch.........

All my Best to you......

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

Summertime Fun!

Good day all, having trouble sleeping tonight so will keep on blogging....

Here is some great memories shared with the kids, family and friends the last couple of weeks.....

 Boys at the BMX Track

Jason's pro backward summersault!

 Gary and Jason playing it cool!

 Tanner goofin around with his magnetic earring!

 Best Buds Forever we just get better with age Damn Lisa Girl you look good!

 Mama and her babies--hair is coming back slowly....

G- entertaining the FAM

 Nana patiently waiting what could have been the longest game of pool played Ever!

 Treasured Friends Darlene and Joe visiting from Florida

Takin in the car show with the boys!

 Oh Ya I got this Mom!

Jay Man! Growing up so fast! You are so special.... Mama celebratin her 46th B-day...

 Mom & Tan

 T- Man How I adore you

Joe Cool oh so cool my boy I love you!

!

 Fearless Joe!

 T- Faces his fears and jumps from High Diving Board! Way to go Tan :)

 Tanner's Pro Dive!

Joey's Pro Dive!

 Tanner following his tube down the waterslide think you are supposed to be in it T- Man

My Brother T... this is how it is done...watch an learn lol....

Miss Ray chillaxing!


Don't forget your camera capture those memories...

Sleep well all...

Later

Colin Cancer Awareness 101

Hello all,

What great weather we have been blessed with this week!!

Wanted to share some information with you all, that hopefully will help prevent you or your loved ones from ever getting Colorectal Cancer.  First to know it is the second leading Cancer in women and men and the numbers are on the rise.  90% curable if caught soon enough, here is what you need to know.  If anyone has a history of polyps in your family either cancerous or non-cancerous you need to get checked out now!!!! Everyone else by 50! That or any blood in your stools, do not second guess... get it checked out... Ask your doctor for a colonoscopy and do not take no for answer.

Colorectal cancer is a disease in which cancer cells grow in either the colon or the rectum. The colon and rectum are parts of the body’s digestive system that remove nutrients from food and store waste until it passes out of the body. Additionally, the colon and primarily the rectum absorb water from ingested materials. Normally, the cells in the colon and rectum divide in a regulated manner. If cells keep dividing when new cells are not needed, a mass of tissue called a tumor forms. A tumor can be benign or malignant.

Colon Cancer

A benign tumor is not cancer. It does not spread to other parts of the body. Colon polyps are most often (but not always) benign tumors. By contrast, a malignant tumor is cancer. Cancer cells divide and damage tissue around them. They can enter the bloodstream and spread to other parts of the body. Some colon polyps develop cancer in them, but some colon cancers appear to arise from the lining of the colon without a precursor polyp. Benign colon tumors are usually colon polyps. Colon cancer can originate in colon polyps or can rise without the presence of a polyp in the colon.

Colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer-related death in men and women and an estimated Colorectal cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer if you seek treatment early, and the rate of success is high, especially when the cancer is treated early.

Ask about your family history, if one of your parents or grandparents had a history of polyps at age 40 for example,you should get checked out in your 30's and the next generation or your children need to get checked out in their 20's.  If the age is later deduct 10 years per generation.

Enough preaching no if and's or BUTTS get it checked out please!

Update on my situation, I am changing oncologist what have I said in the past you have to be YOUR OWN ADVOCATE...the oncologist and team I was dealing with have dropped the ball, three critical times, a fourth situation occured this week....when asked if I had lost confidence in the team I replied, yes and they said they understood if I needed to change oncologists...

The oncologist didnt have the courage to deliver the news of their latest mistake direct to me she did it through her nurse, her nurse indicated that the oncologist is a scientist, so bed side manner is not necessarily her specialty....huh?? I am not a lab rat, nor or all the thousands, millions fighting this very challenging illness, come on health care professionals get it together!

We are better educated through the process back on track with regular chemo as tough as it can be it is what will buy time and help shrink the tumours.... more joy and wonderful memories!

A shout out to a friend my age fighting cancer from Onoway.  She requires a bone marrow transplant. A fundraiser is being held for Shelly Veltman on September 16.  Shelly needs to spend four months in Calgary, along with her family & support team.The expense is enormous, and any money raised will allow the family some peace as they have had to go through so many changes and challenges in a very short time, so Shelley can fight for her life.

The dinner, band and auction is Saturday September 15 at the Redline Diner in Spruce Grove.    For more information contact:

Ken Munro
shellysfightforlife@hotmail.com
phone Ken: 780-962-4646 or Nicole 780-968-3848

Shelly my thoughts, support and prayers are with you....strength, positive thinking, and courage girl, and you have the fight in you, stay strong!! You can do it!

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

-Khalil Gibran


I am convinced that attitude is the key to success or failure in almost any of life’s endeavors. Your attitude-your perspective, your outlook, how you feel about yourself, how you feel about other people-determines your priorities, your actions, your values. Your attitude determines how you interact with other people and how you interact with yourself.

-Carolyn Warner 



Peace Out.... :)

Go BIG Go to Texas!!!!

11 Days in Texas.., what a great BIG state.  How wonderful I had the pleasure to travel with Jason, and two beautiful, oh so witty, wonderful teenagers! Ray my numero uno girl and her best friend Jen, who I could adopt at any time!  We had so many great laughs and we were really sad to see the trip come to an end, and so very grateful for the memories that will last a lifetime.

All of Jason's family is in Texas and what a special family he has...They all welcomed myself and the girls with open arms and big hugs, so accepting, it was very wonderful.  I had met Jason's Dad before, but it was the first time meeting his two brothers and their families, and his Mom, Step Dad and Grandma, Lynn and Jim.... A lovely, loving family.  We all  were able to get some great visiting in, and some wonderful Texas meals!  

We enjoyed the lake near his Mom's and were also able to get together with his brothers and families and do a  tube ride down the New Braunfels River. The weather was HOT and the water felt wonderful, a good time was had by all...

We were also able to meet up with my dad for a couple of days as well. Mom and Dad have a cute place in Austin by the College,  where we stayed and Dad toured us around the great city of Austin the next day.  We appreciated the time together and so happy that every bodies time lined up!

We headed to San Antonio, where Jason's Dad lives, first making a pit stop to the huge outlet Mall that the girls were quite anxious to get their shopping on!! Hooked up with J's Dad for a few days taking in Six Flags-(roller coaster park)or part of it, we have to do a do-over, as we were shut down due to an electrical storm!! Girls were understandably a bit bummed out! The girls headed back after 8 days and Jason and I spent 3 days on our own which we enjoyed.

We checked out the beautiful Riverwalk, had some good Mexican great Brazillian food, it was so much fun.  Had the pleasure of meeting Jason's Dads friends who are such a wonderful group of people who care deeply for his dad it was really nice to see.

So all told it was a fantastic trip!! Only downfall in getting back as we miss everyone and wish we all didn't live so far apart!

Here are some pics from our trip....

                                               First Day at Lake 98 Degree day! Jen and Ray!

                                                    Saying Good Bye to Texas :(

                                   100 degree day on Pontoon Boat-Had the lake to ourselves!

                                   Jason and his Pops in front of PJ's storefront in San Antonio

                                                            Jason and his Bros

                                                                Jason's family!

                                             Jason and me on my Dad's porch in Austin

                                                  On the Riverwalk in San Antonio

                                                Jason and the girls in front of the Alamo

PJ at Six Flags San Antonio

                                                      Me Dad and Ray-Austin

                                           Hanging out with Dad on sixth Street in Austin

                                          Real Texas Gates heading to Lynn's place for a visit!

YOLO

Hello all hope your summer has been a great one. We have had a great July! Will fill you in later!  I have to vent in this blog so bear with me.


Why is it that when your too optimistic, too positive, glass half full versus empty, there are some people who are threatened by these qualities, or so miserable and bitter that they choose to try and bring you down because they can not get out of there narrow minded ways.


Unfortunate to say I have had some blog viewers, albeit less than 1 percent, actually imply that I am faking the seriousness of my terminal illness, because I choose to handle what has been dealt with me in a positive way.  WOW the same viewers who feel that this blog exploits my children, are now quoting positive information that I post about baby steps of success and saying that I am not as sick as I have indicated, because I am traveling and living life and trying to find the joy in every day. I would ignore and not address, as I know better than to not waste my time and energy on, however it is important to me that my children understand and are not affected by this small mindedness.


Let me set the record straight for those few that may be confused with how I have chose to deal with my illness.  First of all this blog is a legacy that will be left to my children.  I am one of their biggest role models, and I want them to know that bad things happen to you in life and you actually have a choice on how you decide to deal with it.  You can get caught up in the doom and gloom of your situation or you can deal with the negative as best as you can and build on the positive, as it is building on the positive that will get you to a brighter place.


I could choose to write about the pain and discomfort I go through with chemo treatments, bleeding from my colon on a daily basis, the unbearable nausea waves that go through you, the nerve damage in my hands and feet and how it feels like arthritis running through my hands and feet,  going numb at times, the pains in your chest from blood clots and there residual scarring, the news that the cancer is in my bones, and the helplessness that I sometimes feel and the deep pain that I feel, knowing that I will likely eventually lose my battle to cancer as many have before me, as the odds are not in my favour and that the thought of not being here for my children is what hurts the most, what causes the most unbearable pain.


That is the realilty of my terminal illness.  I am not in denial, I understand, Jason and I battle it daily, my family and Jason's family and closest friends understand, my children understand, and we feel the pain, as it is very sad at times, and we shed many tears together and privately, and sometimes the pain of what we are going through is unbearable. Those who chose to judge me or quote lines from my blog, indicating I some how am exaggerating the serious of my illness, shame on you but God Bless you for being true to whom you are despite your uninformed and misguided attempts at bringing me down.  Until you have walked a mile in my shoes I would even say just one day you have no idea or understanding.  If you are looking for information on my blog or want to use what I write against me, then I suggest my blog is not for you. I write to inspire, to inform and just to share as it is therapeutic for me and others who support my journey.  I can celebrate anything positive as that is what I must do to get through each day.


I can not stay in a place that is doom and gloom, I learned that from my Dad years ago and is a big part of my personality.  Choosing not to complain, I will tell you I am doing great and many days I am, I will not get caught up in talking about my ailments, I save that for Jason!  I do have times that I feel sorry for myself. I do not like talking about it over and over, it is what it is.  This is what I have been dealt, yep it sucks, onward and upward!


We will remain positive and optimistic, and fight the best fight we know how to as that is who I am, and all of those who I love and adore that is who they are and they keep me strong through this battle I have been given to fight.  I am so blessed and have much life to live, and I will do so and not feel guilty about living life to the fullest the best that I can given this battle, I am going to even ramp it up a notch so watch out!


It was my birthday yesterday 46! I would in the past dread seeing my age creep closer to 50.  Today I embrace it and am so grateful for another Birthday and I must say that 50 looks pretty darn enticing....YOLO you only live once better do it right!


I received a lot of beautiful gifts yesterday, the most special was the time with my children, Jason and family.


I received the most beautiful poem from my daughter, its inspirational, she inspires me and has a true gift. I want to share it with all of you...

You are the bravest person I know

Behind that smile are tears your afraid to show

With everyday you give your best

Wondering why god has chosen you to test

Life means so much more when you’re fighting for it

You have so many reasons to battle so please don’t quit

The love I have for you could never be defined

No daughter will ever experience the gift of a mother like mine

The strength you have inspires me

You have all the qualities in a woman I someday hope to be

Our bond has grown through the years

Between the laughter and the shedding of tears

I love you mom and stay strong

Believe in yourself and you can never go wrong

I love you Mom! Happy Birthday

Embrace your Life! Graduation 2012!

Good morning everyone hope your day is a good one, and that your stresses are minimal!!!


Jay and his fellow classmates graduated on Friday, and what a wonderful day it was! Filled with joy, inspiration and emotion. My family looked wonderful the boys were dressed in suits and as warm as it was at times they kept their jackets on most of the night, even with everyone encouraging them to take them off!  They were proud of their suits Tanner even managed to keep his white dress shirt spotless. lol.


Jay looked amazing so handsome, grown up, I was a proud mama! Jays' Nana and Papa and Uncle Chris and honorary Auntie Lisa were also there supporting Jay and also Granny was there for Jay and his Cousin Bailey on this very special night!


I was gifted the opportunity to do the toast/speech to the graduates, it was such a great honour and although I  slightly embarrased Jay, and turned it into a speech, lol,  he let it go and was proud of me for delivering a decent toast!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU-zks4FRlI (Tattoos on this Town)




Here is the poem included in the speech for Jay and grads to reflect on through the years!


Embrace your future

Congratulations graduates we are here to honor and celebrate your success!
12 years of school completed, a foundation to build from, you are now preparing to leave the nest
Your Family, friends  and  teachers, we are all so very proud of you tonight...
Your commitment, and dedication,  the great journey that awaits you while you continue to search for your passion and light!
Graduates Believe in yourselves lift that bar high and follow your dreams,
Listen to your inner voice, drown out others, be courageous, and dare to be extreme
Live life with great purpose, some mistakes will be made do NOT be afraid to fail or fall
Live life without regrets, reach for greatness, and above all
Learn and remember the lessons, for there are many, and live in the moment as you all find your way
Life is too short to live little, have faith, stay strong, love deeply, be happy and celebrate your life everyday!


-Stacy McKillican

Peace Out!

Strength & Courage!

Well we did it me and Mom got our first tattoo!  It is so cool, am so glad we did it.  It was my daughter's idea and she would have had it done on Saturday as well but she had a ball tournament the next day and she is getting it on her foot! So she will be tatted up over the next couple of weeks.  Rayanne picked out the tattoo, I love it it says Strength and Courage with the Cancer ribbon and the color blue which signifies Colon Cancer.

My Mom went first, she is so tough, I am so proud of her, not thinking tattoo was something high on her bucket list, but she did it for me and her support of the fight we are going through....I love her to pieces for it.  Am grateful as it is a first for the three of us and something very special that we share together and it bonds three generations together to help keep us focused on the tough battles life can throw at us today and everyday.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.


-Marianne Williamson

Fight and Flight!

Hello all, back from my trip a week ago, it was wonderful, the freedom of being able to travel after nine months of feeling trapped within the confinement of my current routine was such a great break.

It was great and really reminded me how fond of traveling I have become over the years, and that it makes me feel  so alive, engaged, full of excitement and adventure, how I adore that feeling. I landed in Denver where Jason met me. He had already put in 4000 miles on this trip before meeting up with me, we were really looking forward to traveling the next stretch together over the next four days!

We had much fun, took in a lot of beauty, and relaxed, laughed a ton, toured the largest beer brewery, that was in Denver... had some wonderful meals, it was great! Getting back, I was to start chemo last week, however my bloodwork was low off on one count, the netrifils, this count indicates that my bodies ability to fight off infection or viruses is or was extremely low, so I needed to put chemo off for another week...one month off of chemo. I have to say, I enjoyed the time off of chemo sooooo much!  However it is now time to get back to the battlefield ...back to fight the good fight!

They lowered my dose of chemo last week as it was starting to affect my hands too much, the affects are of this new drug have accumulated over the weeks and it hurts my hands to do certain things with them, but now on day 2 of chemo, it wasn't as bad as last round,  the side affects have been more manageable.

I have had to give into more nausea medication and sleeping pills for the first few days of chemo, I have been resistant to put many more drugs my body. I have had 44 years of being on antibiotiocs two times, so do not do great at keeping up with pills. I have had to give in as it does make me feel better, and allows me to carry on with regular routine, and that is truly most important right now!

My beautiful girl and I had a great walk last night she makes me laugh, she is so clever and witty, I love her personality, she has a wonderful blend of qualities that make her so very special, as do all of my boys and how equally special they all are, and I also enjoy some similarities that they all share in common!

5 things I am grateful for today:

1.  Jason's Ssupport, patience and unconditional.
2.  Being a Mom to my four beautiful Children;Jay, Ray, Joey and Tanner
3.  Laughter....How it does wonderful things to boost your spirits!
4.  My best friend nLisa for checking in every day, my cousin for her daily comforting, beautiful messages, my mom and her beautiful heart, my dad for all of his support, my brother for his love care and support and the wonderful special friends and support system that I know are always there for me.
5. Good Energy for day 2 of chemo! I did two big walks some weights and ab work, I have worked out   out 5 out of 6 days am back on a roll, and I  got alot accomplished today, yay!!

Some pics of the trip were taken in Banff on the way back the day was incredible! One of the most beautiful

places in the world!

Talk to you all soon!

Wishing all of us inner peace, great joy, and an abundance of love.....

S 

Meaning Does not Lie in Things, it Lies in Us

Hello all, I had taken a little blogging break the last couple of weeks. I wasn't feeling particularly inspired,I had to dig deeper, do some further reflection, to try to pull myself up from a dip....am again back on track. I think life is like that or at least mine has been like that at different stages.

We get knocked down, and we get back up again. I usually start reading inspirational books and videos, I pray, listening to music is big for me and exercise. I am working hard at trying to live in the moment, to not get addicted to my story as we can and it prevents you from moving forward from creating the next exciting chapters of the story of your life.

Update on my health it's been positive, my blood clots are under control, wrist is on the mend, feeling good, chemo is wearing on me a bit mentally and physically, the side effects were tougher this time. I am walking lots and started to jog in spurts. Still doing the vitamin C injections, I have not been sick with a cold or flu since September. I struggle with discipline on diet,and taking my supplements..I keep trying! I am looking so forward to Jays grad. To seeing my kids dressed up, to seeing my firstborn experience a milestone, to enjoying the moment it will be wonderful and emotional I know.

Jason has been away for two weeks going on three..am missing him so! I was approved for travel and will be meeting him in Denver for a mini holiday and extra week off of chemo, and we will drive back together, I am so excited!!  We are going to have fun it will be great! Its been nine months focused the new routine having cancer has put me on...I feel like a little bit of freedom has been granted, and I am going to enjoy every blissful moment!

Mothers day was wonderful  the kids were great. We met my parents for a great walk the weather was perfect. We had a nice brunch.  Jay put a new BBQ together for me, it took him 3 hours and he did not complain once! Rayanne is growing into a beautiful young women before my eyes. Joey has always got a twinkle of mischief in his eyes...he is full of hugs and love and care for his mom these days I am lapping every ounce of it up. Tanner has let down some of his walls, and we have grown closer, I am very grateful! Tabby my dear friend was up Mothers day weekend and her and Lisa and I spent some special time together. It was so nice, I love them so, and appreciate the connection we share. As I do all of my closest friends.If laughter is the best medicine, than I received large doses of it, probably zapped at least four tumors for sure!! How we can laugh! Thank you girls!

5 things I am grateful for today:

1. The warmth of sunshine that spring has brought
2. The flowers,the green grass, the budding of the trees so beautiful
3. The love of so many my partner, my children, my family, Jason's family I am so blessed
4. I am grateful for feeling so good despite some of my challenges, their are so many suffering with so much more pain ...through this illness, I am very very fortunate!
5. This moment.....

Sending my love to all who read and support me through my journey and through your own journeys I wish you joy and peace. As we struggle to learn the lessons and to apply them to our life, know that you're not alone and how special you are.

Will leave you with this quote by Marianne Williamson another spiritual guru I really learn from...

"Love is what we are born with, fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices, and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us."  


Peace Out

S
                   

A Life Truly Lived is a Life not Forgotten...

an original poem by Stacy McKillican

Swollen ankle, leg pain to start

GP treated as phlebitis caused by travel that was the easy part

The pain moved around and into the other leg

Sent me for tests, this process was beginning to drag

I was not prepared as to what they would find, blood clots yes, and so much more

How is this possible I am young, healthy, invincible, the news shook me to the core

Positive, well balanced, had everything I thought possible thrown at me last year

Cancer in the colon metastasized to liver and lungs; the news overwhelmed me, too much to hear

This would be the ultimate test for me, my most challenging fight

To learn yes cancer sucks, but yet it is a gift, a chance to make all things that matter right

I would learn who truly cares, the gift of life, to take nothing for granted

Not to sweat the small stuff, to appreciate deeply all of those I love and have enchanted

Now seven months into this journey, who knows like you, what will be our fate?

I have been given a chance to reflect and understand, to make some sense of it all and prepare for heavens gate

Until that moment please grant me the courage, strength and patience to live life in the moment and to really let go

The lessons to learn, the lessons to teach, forgive all, release the guilt, love deeply and to let go and when to know

That I have done my best, lived my life without regrets, done what I needed to do

Had many amazing experiences and many more to come, so many beautiful relationships old and new

Life is good it's not what happens to you its how you Deal with what comes your way and sometimes your dealt a hand that is not so fair

Blessed I still am and proud of how far I have come, with the best support group overwhelms me so much your love and care

So live in the moment I challenge us all

See the beauty in the simplicity of life, laugh often and get back up and fight the good fight when we stumble and fall

Love your self for who you are, you are special, focus on priorities and hug your loved ones often

Let go of the stress, anger and any bitterness, and feel your heart begin to soften...

For a life truly lived is not forgotten...

Dig Deeper

Heading to chemo in 30 min. Did my exercise,drank 8 ounces of veggie juice...that Jason made up, I dont know how I got so lucky in finding this man, he does all the laundry, all the cooking, and runs me to every appointment, tells me that I am beautiful, and makes me so very happy.

I know this journey is very challenging on all of those closest to me. Jason has made a commitment to take care of me and to be my side every step of the way through the sleepless nights, through the many tears, and through my many challenges he has taken a leap of faith and shown me true love, and what a real partnership looks like.

Jason is a man among men, his kindness overwhelms me, I will forever be grateful for the depth of love and care and support he gives to me.

This week I have experienced more fatigue, however, I have been told that you need to keep moving through chemo even if you are tired and feel like crap!   The way chemo works is if you lie around for more than an hour,  you actually start to feel worse. So mentally you have to dig deep. I had a very emotional day yesterday, every sappy love song, every song that tells you to live your life because you don't know what tomorrow will bring hit me hard.

Rayanne bless her sweet soul gave me a hug and held me tightly as I cried on her shoulder last night, she said its ok Mom everything will be ok. Jason was there with hugs as some days the emotion just gets the best of you. Chemo weeks are especially tough because you meet with a nurse who asks how your last chemo was, reinforces how you to need to eliminate all stress and live selfishly for you...easier said than done some days as the daily challenges still exist, they do not go away when you have cancer...you need to find a way to eliminate the drama, to teach the lessons, to learn the lessons, to let go, to stay positive, its a daily struggle and an ongoing commitment to choose a positive attitude and not get dragged down, to not feel sorry for yourself.  Some days I do a good job at this and other times you just need to know its ok to fall down and feel the pain, feel the sadness, to be angry. With cancer you feel such a sense of urgency to fast track everything, unsure of how much time you will be gifted.

We have had many laughs as well, those who know me well know how sarcastic and what a smart ass I am. I can't help it it spills out of me...out of my control.  I love quick witted people and have found met my match with Jason. I have this banter with my closest girlfriends and kids and family as well...to just say it as it is and see the humor in it.... you have to....or I have to.... its a survival mechanism!

Today at Chemo I met a young guy 32 who lost his leg to cancer had to get it amputated from the knee down, that was two years ago and now cancer has returned up by his heart so he has another 10 months of chemo. He had the most positive outlook, we met his mom and dad who had the most beautiful spirit.  You can not help but get uplifted and gain strength and get out of your own pity party when you hear other's stories of amazing strength and courage.

Will sign off with this funny video.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

Your Time is Limited

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

http://www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0014-jobs.htm

I am looking through quotes and past commencement speeches, to use clips of for Jays grad class slide show, and came across the above quote provided by Steve Jobs, the Co founder of Apple, who lost his battle with cancer last year after getting diagnosed in 2003 with pancreatic cancer.

I wanted to share... Jason sent it to me before I was diagnosed and I found it very inspirational. His message is for the Stanford Graduation class, but we can all take something away from it.

My son Jay graduates from high school in two months, I really can't believe it. Where did the time go??Seventeen years gone by in a blink of an eye.  He has so much growing up to do, so much potential, so many life skills yet to learn...he will get there, I have faith that he will figure it out.

I am feeling pretty good, my arm continues to heal. It is sore but looks good, am watching my step these days as I have tumbled a couple of times, and do not even have alcohol to blame! Heading into the tenth round of chemo this week,..I dread it at times, but have accepted that it is what it is, and the chemo will allow me to live my life and do the things I need to yet accomplish in my lifetime.

I find myself struggling as it has been six months since my diagnosis. I am searching for what my new purpose in life is. I know that my focus is on getting healthier, but need something to do eventually other than round the clock appointments. I want to do something that makes a difference, change lives, helps people see their potential, change their perspective, make people feel good about themselves. It will come, right now I need to believe I am on the right path, trying to figure everything out.

It's Sunday today, I will get out with Jason in the glorious sunshine for a big walk, go pick up Ray and take in a movie...Enjoy the day all...

Peace Out....

Laughter is the Best Medicine

It was a great Easter at my mom and dads and we as always had many laughs. I do love that about my family. My mom and dad and brother have a great sense of humor. Jason and I love to laugh and tease each other. My kids are funny and can laugh and they make me laugh! We played scrabble, me, Jason, Rayanne, and Dad. We are all quite competitive so it is a good laugh, I had a considerable lead, after using all seven tiles and coming up with the word lingered. I got 14 for the word and 50 bonus points for using all my tiles...I had left everyone in the dust! Well should never get too cocky or ever count Gary out, at one point I even helped him with a word--that he got 39 points! It started from Jason's word Pow-Ray added to it, made the word power..it turn into empower to empowered!!! Needless to say Gary won the game by 10 points! Good laughs and fun were had by all...

The treasure hunt for the kids was fun and Jason kicked in a 50$ I tunes card into one of the many eggs that the kids were hunting for, and Tanner found it, so he was pretty proud!

I have had a busy week my half cast is off and I have a splint, it's coming along, I have to do exercises for my wrist 5 times a day, and thought they were easy until Jason showed me I was doing most of them wrong:(!)
It kills the nights after the exercise but in the day its manageable.

Am back on chemo after a month off, and continue shrinking those tumor cells as I write!

We are planning a road trip to Texas and Phoenix in July and a few states along the way....I can't wait, I am so excited, I am so ready to have some down time, some fun-time it will be wonderful!

I had asked the nurse if she thought that if we shrink the tumors enough that surgery is possible, she had said very unlikely, because I have too many of them, but as long as we keep finding medication that keeps the tumors from growing , it will give me time, to live and enjoy life...she said live your life that is your focus right now not finding a cure but living with your cancer, managing your symptoms, and finding the joy in every day.

That's the plan...today is a gift, I am taking the kids overnight to the mall and enjoying the mini disneyland at WEM! Good Times, I am looking very forward to our time together.

Life is good, count your blessings as I tell my kids often, as there are many...it could always be worse :)

Peace Out!!